[Tess is waiting outside of Lindsay Lohan’s house. She knocks. No answer. She texts Lindsay: “I’m outside.” The door opens a crack.]
Lindsay Lohan: Who are you?
Tess: Oh, I’m sorry…I’m…didn’t you invite me over for dinner?
Lindsay Lohan: What?
Tess: It’s Tess. You know. You came over for dinner that time?
Lindsay Lohan: What time.
Tess: You know, with Mo’Nique…and then you left with Bi— uh, James Belushi?
Lindsay Lohan: That night was terrible. I thought I might get a spot on According to Jim. That guy just smoked all my weed and peaced out when I started texting my mom.
Tess: Well, maybe if it hadn’t been canceled…also, maybe I should tell you, that wasn’t James Belushi. It was Bill Murray. It’s almost, you know, better! Right?
Lindsay Lohan: I don’t follow politics.
Tess: He’s an actor.
Lindsay Lohan: Why are you here?
Tess: You sent me an Evite about a dinner party. You know what, I’ll leave.
Lindsay Lohan: Oh, oh my God. That’s tonight?
Tess: It’s March 8th, right?
Lindsay Lohan: I have no idea.
Tess: Oh, well…it is.
Lindsay Lohan: Fuck! Come in, come in, you have to help me clean up!
Tess: Clean up what?
Lindsay Lohan: This is really embarrassing…I’m a hoarder.
Tess: Yikes. How’re your kitchen and bathroom looking?
Lindsay Lohan: They’re all filled with old meatloaf and dust bunnies and dead ferrets.
Tess: Maybe we should reschedule?
Lindsay Lohan: There’s no time! Everyone is on their way!
Tess: Who’s everyone?
Lindsay Lohan: The guy from Grizzly Man, the guy from American Movie, and the guy from Darkon.
Tess: Wait, wasn’t this dinner party supposed to happen, like, weeks ago? And aren’t a lot of people missing?
Lindsay Lohan: Tess, I don’t even know what day it is and I have a room the size of a New York City penthouse that’s just filled with shoes and mouse droppings. Seriously. I’m just not — [she starts to cry]
Tess: Hey, hey now. There, there. I don’t think these dudes are going to care. One of them was eaten by a bear, one of them can’t pronounce the name of his own movie, and the last one builds cardboard armor and calls himself Keldar. I think they’re, like, non-judgmental.
[Tess enters Lindsay’s house. It is disgusting.]
Tess: [CONT’D] Whoaaa, hey, are you going to cook? Or what’s the deal?
Lindsay Lohan: The only thing I know how to cook is crank. And Altoids.
Tess: This won’t do. Do you have any bacon? That I can candy with maple syrup?
Lindsay Lohan: I just have these ferrets…
Tess: Let’s just clean up. Oooh, is this Marc Jacobs? Can I have it?
Lindsay Lohan: [crying intensifies] That’s Samaaaaaaantha’s!
Tess: Shoot, I knew there’d be emotions.
[doorbell rings. Tess opens it. It’s Dr. Zasio.]
Dr. Zasio: I heard that somebody was a chronic clutterer.
Tess: It’s a bad time, Dr. Zasio. We’re having friends over.
Dr. Zasio: Do I smell marsupials?
Tess: There’s some ferret…detritus.
Dr. Zasio: [enters house] Lindsay? Lindsay, can I tour your home? We have a crew all ready to help you.
Lindsay Lohan: Go away, go away!! I don’t want you and your cameras up in my business!
Dr. Zasio: But you signed the release.
Lindsay Lohan: Shit, is today March 8th?
Tess: Oh, you overbooked! Seriously, Dr. Zasio, there’s been a mix-up. You’ll have to come back.
Dr. Zasio: This is a disease. Don’t feel shame.
Lindsay Lohan: Please, Tess, tell her to go!
Tess: Dr. Zasio —
[doorbell rings. Dr. Zasio answers. It is Kenyon Wells, AKA Keldar.]
Keldar: Hail Mordom! I come on behalf of all Mordomians!
Dr. Zasio: Are you the organizer?
Keldar: Yes, I am their leader.
Dr. Zasio: Great. We have our work cut out for us.
Keldar: This I know, as Laconia has gained both men and prowess, and threatens our powerful nation!
Dr. Zasio: There are also ferrets. Wear gloves.
Keldar: I hath brought mine armor! Whoa, hold up. Is that Lindsay Lohan?
Lindsay Lohan: Don’t look at me! Who’s that guy!
Tess: Keldar. You invited him.
Lindsay Lohan: Wait, what’s the date of today?
Everyone: March 8th.
Lindsay Lohan: Oh, fuck.
[doorbell rings. Keldar answers it, brandishing his sword. It is Mark Borchardt.]
Mark Borchardt: Shit, man, swords!
Keldar: This is my white double-blade. If I assassinate you, you must wait twelve hours before your reincarnation.
Mark Borchardt: Man, I’d hate to do that. Okay, very cool: I brought you guys some Whoppers. They’re flame broiled.
Lindsay Lohan [suddenly in better spirits, holding a cocktail shaker]: To go with our Altoidtinis!
Dr. Zasio: Is this young man also with the crew?
Mark Borchardt: Sure, man, I’m the producer/director.
Lindsay Lohan: You are? You are?! Oh, great. Great! For what?
Mark Borchardt: Independent movies that are good as hell.
Lindsay Lohan: You’ll have to excuse the…state…of my, you know, humble adobe.
Mark Borchardt: The dude abodes.
[no one laughs]
Keldar: We have business to attend to, underlings. The state of — what’s this land? Let me get the map —
Lindsay Lohan: I know my zip code!
Keldar: — Lohannesburg. Our enemy encroaches. They are the undead mongrels of the underworld. They know no Loth. We must rally our forces against them and NEVER, NEVER shall they overtake us!
Dr. Zasio: He’s talking about things, Lindsay. We grow attached to them, but what we’re really attached to are our memories.
[Timothy Treadwell enters from a bedroom. He has his hands cupped around something.]
Timothy Treadwell: Let me tell you. Honestly. This moth is amazing.
Dr. Zasio: The bugs, they’re drawn to clutter.
Timothy Treadwell: People who hate moths should be labeled as stupid, stupid, ignorant stupid people. I have lived longer among moths without weapons than any human on earth.
[Keldar smacks the moth out of Timothy’s hand with his sword]
Keldar: Take that! And that! Do not invade Lohannesburg, vermin!
Timothy Treadwell: I will get you! You will frickin die here! We’re all great people with wonderful things inside of us but we’re different and I love moths enough to do this right! I’m edgy enough and I’m tough enough and I love moths enough to —
Keldar: To what?
Mark Borchardt: Man, I’m surprised at how refreshing this Altoidtini is.
Timothy Treadwell: You, mister sword, you will regret ever having messed with this son of nature!
Dr. Zasio: Timothy, may I borrow you for a moment?
[they step aside. Mark, Tess, Keldar and Lindsay clear a space in the rubble for their Whoppers and Altoidtinis]
Lindsay Lohan: Do you know Martin Scorsese?
Mark Borchardt: Sure, man.
Lindsay Lohan: This is the best day of my life. We just have to get Martin on the phone. I’ve emailed him but I think there’s a problem with his email because I don’t get a response right away sometimes when I email him, and I thought maybe it was because it was late at night or sometimes my address goes right to spam for some reason and —
Mark Borchardt: You know, I think you might be pretty good for this role in my upcoming picture, it’s about these zombies who take over a mini-mall and their army —
Keldar: I know of what you speak.
Lindsay Lohan: Just tell me the date and time and I’ll be there. But remind me. In case I mix up my days.
Mark Borchardt: Sweet, do you BBM?
Keldar: No, the term is LARPing.
[Dr. Zasio enters with a calmer Timothy Treadwell.]
Dr. Zasio: It’s called OCD, and it’s okay to have it.
Timothy Treadwell: Expedition 2010 is coming to an end for Grizzly People. For ferret people, and people who can’t throw away the clothes they wore to awards ceremonies. I came here to protect the animals as best I could, but nature had another thing in mind. And by nature, I mean that guy [points at Keldar, who is mid-Whopper bite], but by the way I still hate you for what you did to that innocent creature.
Keldar: [through food] Ah, human, nature always wins. For you were eaten by a bear, and thus nature spoke.
Dr. Zasio: Progress seems to have been…derailed. Can I have one of those minty martinis? It helps numb my nose to the scents in here. I guess we’ll just have to save the clean up for day two.
Lindsay Lohan: When is day two?
Dr. Zasio: Tomorrow. March 9th.
Lindsay Lohan: Damn…it’s still March 8th?