Bill Murray: I just thought of something.

Mo’Nique: Oh honey HOLD UP.

Tess: Me?

Mo’Nique: You ain’t skinny, girl, but I don’t trust you anyway.

Tess: Why?

Mo’Nique: You talk a lot of game, bitch, but I know for a fact you didn’t get yourself out to see Precious.

Tess: Why does this keep coming up? I only saw one movie in the theaters in 2009. I don’t feel particularly good about that, especially when I keep having performers over for dinner, but what can I do? My income was like zero until a few months ago and —

Bill Murray: So nobody wants to hear my thoughts. Somehow this is unsurprising.

Mo’Nique: Honey, you seem so depressed. It’s that monotone. And the eyelids. [to Tess] And isn’t he boney? [to Bill Murray] Sugar, you boney. Eat something.

Bill Murray: I’m not boney and I’m not depressed. I keep my enthusiasm on a tight leash so that one day I can surprise the world with its sheer force.

Tess: Oh.

Mo’Nique: Mmm.

Bill Murray: Anyway, now that I have your attention: I was staring into the fireplace against that wall and I realized something. Where do you put the fire? You put it in the firePLACE. Fire. Place. Fireplace.

Tess: More Suntory?

Bill Murray & Mo’Nique: Yes please!

[doorbell rings. Tess opens it to reveal Lindsay Lohan]

Tess: Ooh, Lindsay. Not a good time. Mo’Nique is here.

Lindsay Lohan: Please, please, let me in! I just had the worst fight with Samantha and my house is filled with needles and garbage and it smells like fake tanner and I just drank three Monster energy drinks and chased them with Lithium! [beat] PLEASE!

Mo’Nique: I smell a skinny bitch! Tess, you said no skinny bitches!

Tess: Oh jeez, Lindsay, like I said…she really has this thing about skinny bitches — skinny people — look, can’t you just call Jared Leto or something?

Lindsay Lohan: He screens me!

Bill Murray: [creeps in from the dining room] Who have we here.

Lindsay Lohan: Oh my God, it’s James Belushi!

Bill Murray: That’s right.

Mo’Nique: [to Tess] That girl looks bad. What’s she on, Monsters and Lithium?

Tess: Something like that.

Lindsay Lohan: My agent has been calling you! I’m dying to get on “According to Jim!”

Bill Murray: Yes, I think I can work something out.

Mo’Nique: Sugarpie, “According to Jim” is off the —

Bill Murray: SHHHH! You go back to the table. Go back. Go back.

[Mo’Nique harrumphs away]

Lindsay Lohan: Hey, James, do you mind driving me home?

Bill Murray: Not a problem. You live —?

Lindsay Lohan: Oh, just here or there!

Tess: You live “here or there”?

Lindsay Lohan: Just, you know, wherever I can hide out and drink gin out of a Fresca bottle!

Tess: Oh.

Bill Murray: How about I spring for one of those guest houses at the Chateau Marmont. I won’t stay there, I’ll just take you out for karaoke and a bittersweet time and then drop you off with an ambiguously platonic kiss on the top of your head.

Lindsay Lohan: That reminds me of a scene from —

Bill Murray: No. No it doesn’t. Because I just made that up, so whatever you were going to say, that’s impossible. Better hit the road. [to Tess] Sayonara.

Tess: Sayonara. [heads back to table, where Mo’Nique is picking at her pie] I guess it’s just you and me, Mo’Nique.

Mo’Nique: Tess, God damn it, he can handle his shit, can’t he?

Tess: Pretty much.

Mo’Nique: And that shit about the fireplace? That’s some smart shit.

Tess: I both agree and disagree with that. More Suntory?

Mo’Nique: Always.

[doorbell sounds]

Tess: [opens door] Hello? Hello? [closes door]

[doorbell sounds again, immediately]

Tess: Weird. [opens door] Hello?

David Bowie’s voice: Hello! It’s David!

Tess: Are you on the roof?

David Bowie’s voice: Girl, I’m standing right before you.

Tess: Ha-ha.

[beat]

David Bowie’s voice: No, really. It’s a mystical illusion.

Tess: Well, would you like to come inside?

David Bowie’s voice: If you turn around, you’ll see I’m already inside.

[Tess turns around as David Bowie leaps down from the ceiling]

Tess: Ahhh!

Chef Gordon Ramsay: Hey, madam, quit your shrieking, yeah?

David Bowie: Ramsay, ease up. She’s just…a little…girl.

Chef Gordon Ramsay: She’s a mule. Ah, bugger off, the two of you!

Dr. Phil McGraw: Hey now! Why’re we all yellin in the hallway?

Tess: I’d like to get us all to sit down, if I could. [to David] That was a cool trick, but Chef Ramsay is easily set off by things. By everything. It’s best to try to keep things…calm. Controlled.

Dr. Phil McGraw: Now, if you listen to what she’s saying, and correct me if I’m wrong: she wants control of the situation.

Chef Gordon Ramsay: Psychobabble! His views are f****** dismal! Every guest on his show — some donkey!

Dr. Phil McGraw: Mister, I sense a hostility from you that I do not abide by, I’m serious. Check out Robin over there at the table. Are you lonesome, sweetheart?

[Robin waves from the dining room]

David Bowie: I apologize if my little feat of magic was too dazzling for our easily aroused compatriots. Let’s drink to heathenism, sequins, and the cosmic orgy of the universe! [produces steaming goblets]

Chef Gordon Ramsay: [sips from goblet] Oh dear oh dear oh dear. [spits into a cocktail napkin] This steaming glahss of over-hyped stodge tastes like a tempura-fried skunk tail from the waste-bin.

Dr. Phil McGraw: [to David Bowie] Hey pal, it’s my impression that you’re just throwin’ that stuff down your throat! Now I’m givin’ you my professional opinion that that sorta drinking is problematic. Everybody likes a cocktail in a goblet at a BBQ now n’ then, or a scorpion bowl at a season three wrap party, or a pony keg at a cousin’s wedding, but the way you’re goin’ at it it’s like you’re in the frat house and all the sigma chis are fist-poundin’ and hell-raisin’, and the girls in the back are cheerin’, goin’, “Hey Slugger, slug it on down,” and so you’re doin’ it and they’re throwin’ panties — the girls, just the girls are throwin’ ‘em — sorry Robin but they are — and then SMACK! You’re out, and then you come to and you look around and you’re in the hospital and you know why?

Chef Gordon Ramsay: [pinching the bridge of his nose] Why’s that, then?

Dr. Phil McGraw: Because you poisoned your own liver, dummy.

David Bowie: Poison? My own liver? Doctor, I’ve never heard of that before in my life.

Dr. Phil McGraw: Sure thing, buddy, I’m a medical doctor and I’m tellin’ you I see it every single day.

Robin: [from the dining room] It’s true! Can I say something?

Chef Gordon Ramsay: Hey listen, you two. You! [to David Bowie] No one’s going to buy those stinking goblet drinks unless you [raises a finger] use fresh, yeah, local ingredients; [raises another finger] clean up this slop, yeah, fingerprints on the glahsses, disgusting; and three: seasoning. And you! [long beat; then, to Phil McGraw] Rubbish.

Dr. Phil McGraw: Oh, he says it’s rubbish! Well, there, mister, I’m not going to waste my time helping you. You can go back to your poisoned liver and your nasty attitude.

David Bowie: Both of you, beware. I have been generous up until now. But I can be cruel.

Tess: Generous? What have you done that’s generous?

David Bowie: Everything! Everything that you wanted I have done.

Dr. Phil McGraw: Is he goin’ off in a Spaceman direction? Man, I know a guy who dropped acid to that album all the time. Not me. A friend of a friend.

David Bowie: [circling them] You asked that I come to dinner, and I came to dinner. I have re-ordered time, I have turned the world upside-down and I have done it all for you! I have exhausted myself for this dinner!

Tess: We haven’t even sat down to it though. And you were super-late. And believe it or not, those two were getting along fine until you showed up.

Dr. Phil McGraw: I just don’t like the disrespect I get from Chef Ramsay. The attitude.

Chef Gordon Ramsay: All right. Yeah. Listen: how would you like to be spoken to, then.

Dr. Phil McGraw: Just drop the insults, take a deep breath, and take a darn hard look into your soul before you start callin’ people a mule! It’s simple! Just don’t do it!

Chef Gordon Ramsay: Aw, f*** me. F*** me!

Tess: Gordon, Gordon seriously. That’s just the way he is.

Robin: [from the dining room] I’ve been trying to say, he has your cookbook!

Dr. Phil McGraw: Robin, hey, lady, I didn’t ask your opinion! Shut it for a second!

Robin: Chef Ramsay, he’s your biggest fan! I heard him say that if he could do for people what you do for the restaurants in “Kitchen Nightmares” —

Dr. Phil McGraw: [turns red] Robin!

Robin: He said you were a real man, Chef Ramsay.

David Bowie: A real man. How dreary. How dull.

Chef Gordon Ramsay: You said that, did you.

Dr. Phil McGraw: Maybe.

Chef Gordon Ramsay: What, because I yell.

Dr. Phil McGraw: I think it gets through to some of ‘em, the tough love, sure.

David Bowie: It’s just generally obnoxious.

Tess: I agree, actually.

David Bowie: Then why did you invite him to your dinner party, Tess?

Tess: Oh, he makes really great pappardelle.

David Bowie: Then I propose we eat it, and then I’ll paint our bodies with glitter and we can roll about on the shag carpet, dreaming of Mars.

[Tess and David Bowie depart to sit in the dining room. Dr. Phil McGraw sets up two chairs in the entryway, facing each other, props a little flip cam up on a coffee table, focusing it on the chairs, and presses “record.”]

Dr. Phil McGraw: [sits down; then, to Chef Gordon Ramsay] Have a seat over here, old buddy, and tell me all about where that anger comes from.

David Lynch: To me, as I’ve said, a meatloaf is like a submarine.

Tess: …right…

David Lynch: Whereas you think of a boat as something that floats, it can just as easily be something that does the opposite.

Tess: …and so, with meatloaf…?

David Lynch: Exactly. Meat is one thing. A loaf is another thing. But they can both be the same thing, if you try.

Tess: Do you like it? It looks like you haven’t tried it yet. It’s good meatloaf!

[silence]

Tess: Okay…so, Willem? Are you catching this? The submarine analogy?

Willem Dafoe: Yes, and you know, I get that. Completely. A few months ago I got together with my theater troupe, and do you know what we did?

David Lynch: Ahhh!

Willem Dafoe: What is it?

David Lynch: I’m sorry. Something about you.

Willem Dafoe: Something about me what? What did I do?

David Lynch: I’m not sure.

[From the other room, a midget wearing a tuxedo enters. The hallway he walks down seems very long, suddenly. From a hidden speaker somewhere, a haunting melody plays. The midget is carrying a sterling dish with candies inside.]

Midget: [holds dish up to David Lynch, who takes a candy]

David Lynch: [to midget] Thank you, Miguel. [to Willem Dafoe] I had a spell. I’m sorry. Go on.

[Midget exits]

Willem Dafoe: Anyway, like I was saying, our troupe was putting together an experimental riff on That Worthless Fellow Platonov. Incredible. It inspires me daily, the process. At one point, I beat a guinea pig to death onstage. The matinee crowd? We have to have a stretcher around to carry them away if they faint, or die.

Tess: Surely that isn’t in the original? The Chekov version?

Willem Dafoe: Of course not. The original is as dry as a piece of Swedish flatbread dipped in sawdust, cured in chalk, and set out to bake in the Arizona sunshine at midday in August.

David Lynch: Ahhh! Miguel!

Tess: David, is something wrong?

David Lynch: [points at Willem Dafoe] His face! It’s terrifying. And I also love it. But mostly, it’s terrifying.

Tess: David, did you recently see Antichrist?

David Lynch: [stares at plate of meatloaf]

Tess: Oh. I see. I asked you not to watch that before dinner, didn’t I? David, didn’t I?

David Lynch: …Miguel?

Tess: David. David. Didn’t I say that would be a bad idea? Because of…the scene? And…the meatloaf?

Willem Dafoe: [reconsiders his meatloaf] Hey, David, can I get one of those candies?

Tess: Well, great. Thanks, David. Thank you. You know, I warned you. And now you’ve ruined dinner for yourself —

David Lynch: Ruining dinner is like submerging yourself in the bathtub —

Tess: — and for Willem —

David Lynch: I’m sorry, but really, you have to understand, Antichrist — it seemed it would be right up my alley, and —

Tess: But the mutilation scene! And the meatloaf! I mean, come on!

Willem Dafoe: [in the direction of the kitchen] Hey, buddy? What, uh, hey, Miguel?

[The midget re-enters with the candy dish]

David Lynch: You can come out, Kyle.

[The midget’s face blurs. Willem Dafoe lets out a cry. There is a puff of smoke, and six seconds of a Roy Oribson song. When the smoke clears, the midget has been replaced by Kyle Maclachlan]

Kyle Maclachlan: I thought I’d come by for dessert. I heard the pie here is phenomenal. I’m going to tell you a secret —

David Lynch: — every day, give yourself a present. Two cups of hot, good, black coffee. [he and Kyle laugh]

Tess: [to Willem] Is that from Twin Peaks?

Willem Dafoe: Oh, in my theater troupe, we did this great riff on Twin Peaks where —

Tess: Ooh, actually, you know, it’s getting late.

Willem Dafoe: …I understand. [he exits]

Tess: Actually, can you guys go now? Because when it’s just the two of you, I worry things are going to go all Fire Walk With Me.

[David Lynch and Kyle Maclachlan exit to eery music, which plays until their cars dematerialize at the stop sign down the road]

Tess: Chris, thanks so much for coming over. I know last time we all had dinner things got a little…awkward.

Christopher Walken: AWKWARD! Sure.

Tess: It was so great of you to bring — what is this, a farfel?  I haven’t asked Natalie back.

Christopher Walken: What you’re asking, about, the dish that I…brought? That’s cat’s SAND!

Tess: You brought cat litter to the potluck?

[Tyler Perry arrives holding a giant casserole pan.]

Tyler Perry: Well hello! I’m Tyler Perry, and I am so thrilled to present this casserole.

Christopher Walken: Mr. Perry, I can’t believe, you put in the EFFORT, you actually made…a CASSEROLE? Sure, one of those — in a dish.

Tess: Chris brought us some cat litter. I’m still not sure why.

Christopher Walken: Hey, Tyler, wowwww, of course, a real dish, you brought it!

Tyler Perry: Nobody’s talking about the serving platter.

Tess: It’s a very nice one. Is it, what, porcelain…?

Tyler Perry: The color of it. The color, particularly.

Christopher Walken: Aooo. It’s PURPLE, the color of it, why not?

Tess [to Christopher Walken]: Don’t indulge him. Once he gets started on The Color Purple, it’s all over. [to Tyler Perry]: How’s Oprah? Did you send her my invitation? Is she coming? To the potluck?

Tyler Perry: Nah, O’s pretty busy, but she did want me to say that, you know, she wants you to see Precious.

Tess: Of course I’m seeing Precious, Tyler. That shit looks really fucked up. It’s like a Lifetime movie raised to the power of a hundred Lifetime movies, and it’s playing on cable.

Tyler Perry: It’s playing in theaters. Not on cable.

Tess: Obviously, but I meant that, you know, there can be swearing. Whereas on Lifetime, you can’t…swear. Or, you know, they wouldn’t let anybody call that baby “Little Mongo.”

Christopher Walken: My good, lord, that’s horrible? A baby, they name it Mongo, well why — a real name’s better, THOMAS, or Christopher, sure, Walken…

Tess: So Tyler, what’s in the purple casserole dish?

Tyler Perry: Just some of Madea’s Secret Recipe.

Tess: But you, I mean, you’re Madea.

Tyler Perry: No, I’m Tyler Perry.

Tess: But you play Madea. And you wrote all the Madeas. And produced. And directed. I mean, if Madea had a recipe, it’d actually be your recipe.

Christopher Walken: MADEA! She was made? …from your mind.

Tyler Perry [coldly]: Next you’ll be saying you read my diary.

Tess: …Because you wrote Diary of a Mad Black Woman.

Tyler Perry: Yes.

Tess: But you’re not a mad black woman.

Christopher Walken: Whoa!

Tyler Perry: Exactly.

Tess: …except you are. Kind of.

[Tyler Perry sits his casserole down on an end table and exits. Christopher Walken dramatically removes its lid, and shrieks.]

Tess: [pushes Sadie’s head off her lap, where she is begging for scraps under the table] Sorry, this is so embarrassing.

Cesar Millan: This dog, she needs to be rehabilitated.

Tess: Rehabilitated?

Cesar Millan: And you, her owner, you need to be train.

Tess: You want to train me? You guys?

Dov Charney: [masturbates]

Cate Blanchett: I’ve really got to go.

Dov Charney: [looms over Cate Blanchett while masturbating]

Cate Blanchett: Frankly, I’m quite upset with you, Tess. I’m going to stop taking your calls. You invited me to a dinner party, but it seems to me I’ve walked in on some sort of circus act. [shoves Dov away] And why is he in a gold leotard?

Tess: Dov, I asked you to try to tone down the outfits.

Dov Charney: [motions at his legwarmers]

Cesar Millan: He is only trying to assert dominance. If you want to be a leader of your pack…

Tess: [near tears] I just don’t want him to ruin my friendship with Cate! He’s really offending her! I just don’t want him to ruin my dinner party! Dov, seriously!

[Cesar Millan approaches Dov Charney, touches him on the nose and makes a shushing noise at him. Dov Charney crouches and wimpers in his chair, melting down to a sitting position. He resumes eating his dinner. Cesar Millan offers a hand to Cate Blanchett, to shake]

Cate Blanchett: I’m…unsure of how you did that. Or what you did, even.

Cesar Millan: I did not hit him, I only touched him.

Christopher Walken: Have you ever thought. About? Adoption!

Tess Lynch: Thought about it how?

Christopher Walken: Tremendous! Amounts of homemade babies; they have no places. To go.

Tess Lynch: Homemade babies?

Christopher Walken: If you’ve seen, a baby, they’re — adorable!

Tess Lynch: Are you saying that I should adopt a child? I’m not in the market for that right now.

Natalie Portman: It’s a terrible thing, not adopting a baby when you could adopt one.

Tess Lynch: Then why don’t you adopt a baby?

Natalie Portman: I’m not getting into this with you.

Christopher Walken: Hey. Please, hold on. Natalie. I’ve been noticing — an attitude. Don’t? Disgrace yourself.

Natalie Portman: (gestures at Tess) She knows what this is about.

Tess Lynch: The adoption thing?

Natalie Portman: No. The vegan thing.

Tess Lynch: What vegan thing? What are you talking about? You think I hate vegans?

Christopher Walken: Hostility makes me unbearably uncomforta—

Natalie Portman: Look, it’s basically my cause, and when you demean my cause…

Tess Lynch: Demean?? I respect that it’s a personal choice!

Natalie Portman: Nothing is a personal choice! Every choice has consequences! Your choices affect basically everything! Everyone needs to make smart choices! [her cell phone rings] Can you please hang on?

Christopher Walken: Rude, I think, I’ve never seen the like, when a person can put a person in —

Tess Lynch: Chris, I’m sorry about this. You know how she can get.

Natalie Portman: Guys, I’m really sorry, my guru’s on the phone, and I have to run. I want to get the recipe for the wax beans. Next time?

[Tess and Christopher exchange looks as Natalie leaves]

Christopher Walken: Can I please offer you another? Kir? And then if at once we feel a chill…a fire, sure, it’s easy, I’ll light one.

Tess Lynch: Actually, I’d love a kir.

Cat Deeley: Let’s hear it for ‘em they’re potatoes!

Tom Colicchio: Actually, uh, you don’t have to do that every time something comes out of the kitchen, Cat.

Cat Deeley: I was just having a bit of fun!

Mary Murphy: Haaaaay, there’s nothin wrong with announcing what’s for dinner!

Tess Lynch: Do you guys like it so far?

Tom Colicchio: I think for having gotten the chicken at Trader Joe’s, it was good. The broccoli was nice — simple. The noodles were fine. They didn’t blow me away.

Mary Murphy: I wished the chicken had been easier to cut. The cutlets saddened me, tonight.

Tess Lynch: Oh. I’m so sorry to hear that.

Cat Deeley: I loved it! I thought everything was zesty!

Tom Colicchio: Well, I would probably give it an eight out of ten.

Tess Lynch: Tom, I was proud of it, but I see what you’re saying. Can I ask you a question?

Tom Colicchio: I don’t see why not.

Tess Lynch: Is there a way to pull off a chicken piccata over some sort of a fruity pilaf? Or is the citrus — is it too — you know what I’m trying to say. Does it clash.

Mary Murphy: I throw fruit in everything.

Tom Colicchio: There’s a way to do anything successfully. You just have to figure out a way to get it right, you know?

Tess Lynch: I think I can almost imagine what you’re saying.