How I Fucked Up My Coffee

  • Didn’t screw the lid onto the carafe correctly. Grounds and coffee spew all over counter top, garbage lid, floor.
  • Didn’t put the basket back in the coffee maker. Put the filter in anyway. Dumped nine scoops of coffee into basketless filter, pressed brew, filter disintegrates in mess of grounds, 90% of which bubble over filter and cover entire machine in what looks like the crumbs they roll Good Humor bars in.
  • Washed coffee pot with geranium-scented soap. Forgot to rinse lid. Coffee tastes like Grandma’s perfume.
  • Did everything right but forgot to wipe counter after filling the coffee maker’s reservoir. Hear electrical noises and realize the water has shorted the power of the coffee grinder. Decide that coffee grinder should be used for grinding herb. Now joints are Major-Dickason’s-blend-flavored and give you that zippy feeling.
  • Don’t have enough beans but try to make 1 cup of coffee. Brew coffee, forget I made it, come back an hour later to find 1/4” of coffee-scented lava in coffee maker. Drank it anyway.
  • Bought one of those coffee makers where you keep the well full of water and use pods of pre-packaged coffee. Used it for a month before I stopped to wonder what kind of pond the well of water has become. Happened to be taking painkillers for gum surgery and spent three hours staring into water, wondering about microorganisms and convincing myself that I see Sea Monkey-like floaties in my water. Throw away pod coffee maker. Decide to never drink coffee again.
  • Feeling old fashioned, I attempt to make coffee the old-school way. Discovering I have no free-standing filter basket, place filter in a strainer set over a mug and fill with two tablespoons of coffee. Pour boiling water into filter. Filter collapses and coffee grounds escape through strainer. Figuring I’ll just strain it again later, I sit the coffee in its filter directly into a mug. Mug fills with murky coffee grounds and never turns the color of coffee, achieving a modest tan color that is not appetizing. Ashamed, I pretend that I wasn’t actually trying to make coffee, just conducting a science experiment. Go back to bed.
  • Wake up feeling discombobulated and not up to any challenges. Eat handful of coffee beans from bag. Not so bad. Pour myself a bowl of coffee beans, stir in milk and Sweet n’ Low. Think to myself, “This is what everybody does, in private.”
  • Affix basket from coffee maker to showerhead. Place strainer below it. Fill basket with filter and coffee. Turn on the hot water and position self underneath with mouth open. Realize water isn’t getting hot enough. Boil a kettle of water in the kitchen and return to the shower. Tie the kettle to the shower caddy with kitchen twine and hold kitchen twine taut so that kettle can be gradually lowered over filter basket. Coffee trickles out of strainer and while it’s pretty decent it’s really hard to drink with all of the regular water hitting my face from the showerhead. Turn off shower, just use kettle. Get some coffee in my mouth, but mostly just burns all over my body.
  • Attempt to make locally-relevant coffee in the spirit of New Orleans chicory coffee. Gather eucalyptus leaves, jacaranda blossoms, and a pinch of tobacco for depth. Add to beans and grind. Before adding coffee to filter, notice movement in the grinder. Ants. Drink it anyway because insects are protein and I never eat breakfast.

[re: my tenses being all over the place, I still haven’t had my coffee.]

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