Wipe Your Feet

I am always awaiting my next rejection letter. It’s kind of exciting: will it be personal? A form letter? Will it have a real signature? Will it come in e-mail form?

Jack Handey wrote some good rejection letters for a New Yorker piece a while back, preserved on this website. An example:

“Dear Sir:
Congratulations! You got the job! That is probably what you were hoping this letter would say. But it doesn’t, because you didn’t.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department”

The real ones aren’t too dissimilar, as you can see here, or here. Some of them are mean (too detailed!), some of them are brusque, some of them are so kind that it makes the whole thing a lot worse than if they’d been jerks; still others are just plain nice, offering a little pat on the back, almost as good as an acceptance letter (almost. Well, not really). Some are just jokes (I hope they’re jokes), but they make me feel better anyway. Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight was rejected, nastily. I’d like to frame this one and put it in my bathroom. This one could be my favorite (or would have been, had it not been withdrawn).