[Tess, Randy Jackson and Ellen Degeneres are finishing a potluck. They are gathered around the table.]
Randy Jackson: Okay, okay, so listen, listen, okay, here’s the deal: that pot roast did not work for me tonight, dog. No, it was terrible, it wasn’t the best. Sorry. It was terrible.
Tess: Okay. Well, you know, I’d have to agree. But I don’t think we should hurt Ellen’s feelings.
Ellen Degeneres: You know when you’re walking in the park, and you see a little dog, and you think, “Oh, I wish I had a little dog —”
Tess: I have to stop you there. Because I don’t want to do this.
Ellen Degeneres: Do what?
Tess: I’ve been having this problem with how you talk.
Randy Jackson: Yeah, dog, I know, she rambles.
Tess: I don’t know that I’d call it rambling. It’s like, okay, Ellen. You have something to say. Why don’t you just say it?
Ellen Degeneres: You didn’t even let me finish! I was going to say that if you’re at the park, and you see a little dog, you think that you wish the dog were yours, but then when you’re at home, and you’re in your house, you wonder, “Hey, would that little dog be chewing on my shoes and would I have to get those awful dog pads to put on my balc—”
Tess: See, I’m stopping you again. Cut to the chase. What’s the point? Forget about the dog. What about the pot roast?
Ellen Degeneres: Be patient. I’m getting to that.
Tess: No. You will never get to it.
Randy Jackson: Yeaaah, see, I’m going to agree on this one. I see what you’re doing, though, E. You’re trying to come off as friendly. But you know, it’s like, time keeps marching on, man. Yeah. It’s not working for me.
Tess: See, the thing is that you seem to be veiling your real thoughts and opinions with all of these analogies. They’re not illuminating and they’re not funny. You know, American Idol isn’t leisurely, Ellen. It’s high-stakes. I want you to nail those contestants to the freaking cross when they’re pitchy!
Randy Jackson: Oooh, when they’re pitchy, dog, it’s the worst!
Ellen Degeneres: Can’t you see that I’m the nice one? Can’t you understand that I was brought in to bring some of Paula’s tenderness to the whole experience? These are sixteen year old kids! If I were heading downtown and it was snowing out —
Tess: Stop that.
Ellen Degeneres: — but if it was snowing and I —
Tess: Seriously. Stop it.
Ellen Degeneres: [starts to speak, but Randy claps a hand over her mouth]
Randy Jackson: Dog. Be real.
Tess: I don’t even want her to talk because she’ll never stop doing this. Seriously, Ellen, I want you to never speak again.
[tense silence. Randy removes his hand from Ellen’s mouth. Ellen doesn’t speak.]
Tess: Well, I didn’t mean to make it awkward.
Randy Jackson: Nah, it’s not awkward!
Tess: Okay, Ellen, you can speak.
Ellen Degeneres: I don’t feel like it anymore.
Tess: So you don’t even see what I’m saying at all. You don’t agree.
Ellen Degeneres: This is who I am! This is how I talk!
Tess: I just want to help you stop making me hate you!
[the doorbell rings. Randy answers it. It’s Jillian Michaels.]
Randy Jackson: [to Jillian] Look dog, it’s mad tense in there. This might not be working for you. It might not be working for me, for you, for me.
Jillian Michaels: Oh, I’ve dealt with drama. I’ve dealt with problems. [whispering] So, she’s here?
Randy Jackson: Who?
Jillian Michaels: Ellen.
Randy Jackson: Yeah, we got E.
Jillian Michaels: I’ve got to talk to her. [Jillian strides across the room and jumps on the arm of a sofa to perch next to Ellen]
Ellen Degeneres: Hi, Jillian. I was just leaving. I encountered some aggression and I don’t feel like I need to, you know, act like I’m a person who’s in an airport in Houston and has just seen this tiny bottle of —
Jillian Michaels: Hey, what are you really feeling? What are you feeling?
Ellen Degeneres: Well, kind of like a person who just saw a tiny bottle of —
Jillian Michaels: WRONG!
Ellen Degeneres: Wrong?
Jillian Michaels: Yeah. Houston. The airport. What are you trying to say? What do you feel? Yeah, new judge, what’s she got? WHAT’S SHE GOT TO SHOW US? HOW SHE FEELS??
Ellen Degeneres: I do think it’s hard to be the new judge. [she begins to weep] You know, crying is like when you make a terrarium but you forget to make a sort of, holes-poked-through, kind of, ventilated —
[Jillian leaps on Ellen and pins her to the ground]
Jillian Michaels: GET UP!
Ellen Degeneres: I can’t, you’re on top of me!
Jillian Michaels: That’s 120 pounds of lean protein and muscle. LIFT!
Ellen Degeneres: Stop! Stop! You’re stepping on my tie!
Jillian Michaels: GET UP AND TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL!
Randy Jackson: [to Tess] She’s not an anti-gastric-bypass dog, is she?
Tess: [to Randy] I wouldn’t bring it up. Should we help her?
Randy Jackson: We are helping her, dog. We’re helping her to learn.
Ellen Degeneres: Please! Please! Let me up!
Jillian Michaels: USE YOUR CORE!
[they struggle. Eventually Ellen shoves Jillian off of her and get up. Ellen wipes sweat from her face.]
Ellen Degeneres: Okay, okay! Tim and Katie need to go! They need to go home and I know it! The one I hate the most is Didi Benami! She always disappoints me! I hate when I have to dance and sing on my show! Did you know that? Nobody does! Nobody knows!
[she collapses into a sobbing heap. Jillian does a handstand next to her and speaks from her position upside-down against the wall]
Jillian Michaels: And why does Ryan always try to make you make out with Simon?
Ellen Degeneres: I know. [hiccup] I know.
Jillian Michaels: You didn’t siphon off the grease from the pot roast. [pause] That’s why it was so bad. And it was fattening. You made a mistake.
Randy Jackson: Dog, that is what it was! That was the problem! Aw, dog, I’m going to keep this short but that roast was not off the chain, it was all oily and just, oh, dog.
Tess: I knew I felt fatter. Jillian, how did you know?
Jillian Michaels: I could feel it when I pinned her. I’m a food empath.
Ellen Degeneres: Feeling pinned was like when —
[she’s silenced by their stares]
Ellen Degeneres: Well, time to go.