Wipe Your Feet

If I could receive messages from the Universe, I’d want to know answers to the following questions:

• Why doesn’t somebody come up with a better cable internet/television provider in my area than Time Warner?
• How different are skunks from cats?
• What is the best way to make homemade pasta in a small kitchen?
• Why have you cursed me with skin that requires I use Clearasil at age 27 before I go to bed? Can you un-curse me of this?
• Why can some women walk comfortably in heels and others cannot?
• Will humans ever evolve to be capable of SCUBA diving without equipment?
• What’s my blood type? I never feel sure.
• Is there some herb I can eat so that when I sweat it smells like night-blooming jasmine?
• How do I get a book deal?
• What are Friday’s Megamillions numbers?
• What’s going on with Brangelina really??

[editor’s note: Ned very kindly emailed me the answers to literally all of these questions, confirming my notion that he is a robot of the Universe. I can forward them if you need to know about anything, anything at all.]