Van Morrison: …and then I drank the cool, cool water from the spring!
Joni Mitchell: [fondly] Mmhmm.
Tess: Who was it you said you were with at the time, Van?
Van Morrison: Oh, just my gypsy queen.
Joni Mitchell: Doesn’t he have the best stories? I love his stories.
Van Morrison: And then I took myself down the Celtic way, down by Longbarth road, up in the Kalleyvale mountains…[he performs a jig]
Tess: God, he’s so much fun!
Joni Mitchell: I brought my guitar, guys, let’s jam!
[Elvis comes out of the bathroom, sweaty but jovial]
Elvis: [quietly, almost to himself] I’m going to fry the shit out of those bananas.
Tess: Excuse me? Hey, you want to come sit over here? We were gonna jam.
Van Morrison: Come on down the Celtic way!
Elvis: Y’all aren’t hungry…or…
Joni Mitchell: C’mon man, we just finished dinner ten minutes ago! Let’s make some music!
Elvis: Well, okay.
[They begin to jam. Each of their faces is a study in delight: Joni does the harmonies, Tess passes the bong to Elvis, Van Morrison does part of “Want a Danish.” They wrap things up, Elvis still noodling around on the guitar]
Tess: You guys, I think this is the most fun I’ve ever had.
Van Morrison: I haven’t had this good a time since I was in County Kildare!
Elvis: [between chords] Y’all…I hope you don’t mind…but I sent a little Facebook invite to my friend. He might stop by.
Tess: Great! The more the merrier!
Van Morrison: I hope it’s James Joyce or Jesus Christ!
Joni Mitchell: I hope it’s Madame Curie. I really hope it’s her.
Tess: It’s probably not her.
Joni Mitchell: Well, we’ll see.
Tess: Elvis said “he.”
Joni Mitchell: Look at him. He’s obviously confused.
Joni Mitchell: [cont’d] So we’ll see.
[Tess opens the door. It is Jay Leno.]
Jay Leno: Well good evening! Nyuk nyuk nyuk! I came over from Burbank on the fi—
[Tess slams the door shut]
Elvis: C’mon, sugar, let him in.
Tess: Why did you do this? Why did you do this?
Van Morrison: Who is it?
Tess: Jay Leno.
Van Morrison: What! But he was just so horrible to wee Conan!
Joni Mitchell: Enough is enough, he can’t have everything he wants!
Elvis: Show some compassion, people. Joni, I thought you were a hippie. Jay doesn’t have many friends, nowadays, and he needs a friend.
Tess: I really don’t want to open the door.
[Elvis strides over to the door and opens it.]
Elvis: Hey Jay, what d’ya say? [they hug]
Jay Leno: A king. He really is a king.
Joni Mitchell: Well, it’s late.
Van Morrison: It is. I better go hard-nose the highway.
Tess: Ugh, Elvis, this ruins everything. You don’t understand. Some of us are just really turned off to him, you know? It’s like, he knows I didn’t want him at this party, and then he shows up, you know, why? Because you just give him what he wants? [Elvis laughs uncomfortably] God, Elvis, I’m being serious here!
Elvis: You kids are real uptight. C’mon, can’t you see he’s crying!
[Jay Leno is crying]
Joni Mitchell: Oh, that’s awful to see. Please, stop crying! [Joni Mitchell starts crying]
Van Morrison: I’m still with Coco.
Tess: Okay, fine, come in.
[Jay Leno comes in]
Jay Leno: Joni, Joni, I know how you feel. You know? I wish I had a river I could skate away on.
Tess: That’s really sad. [starts to cry]
Elvis: Well if there’s one thing you all don’t need, it’s another hungry mouth to feed…[he creeps off into kitchen]
[Everyone else stands around and cries]