I hate when people give their past selves cute advice from the future. “Smell more things,” “Hug everybody more often,” “Cry.” I will pass on those things. Some smells are better neglected by the nose, not everyone deserves a hug, and crying is not something to force. But today I learned an important lesson, and it brought to mind some other important lessons, so here I am giving my past self advice from the future and trying not to be cute.

1. Go to the dentist

Look, I feel you, I hate the dentist. I spent my whole childhood thinking that the best thing about being an adult would be that nobody could force me to go to the dentist. Today I went for the first time in like three or four years, and do you know what happens when you spend that amount of time abstaining from the DDS? You get a cleaning with something called the Cavi-lskdfksdfl (I wasn’t listening, I was freaking out, you dig?) that makes a noise like a nail being dragged back and forth over a piece of rusty metal and hurts like having pins stuck in your gums, and then you get this info dropped on you: come back in two weeks, we couldn’t even clean your teeth properly because you have been so neglectful. That’s double the dentistry. You played yourself. Don’t play yourself.

2. Don’t buy white sofas

…unless you love to feel ashamed of how disgusting you are. 

3. Put Polysporin on it

Can’t hurt.

4. Don’t apologize for anything that wasn’t your fault

Every time you apologize for something that wasn’t your fault, the situation in Libya escalates.

5. Go to the dentist

I’m telling you, they make you feel really terrible after your vacation dentata. So terrible, I’m mentioning it twice.

6. If the birth control pill makes you feel like killing yourself, try an alternative

It isn’t in your mind (well it is, but it’s not in the imagination part of your mind), that shit can make you feel LOW. Not for everyone, just for special ladies with special sensitive brains. Also, the Yaz blood clot suit you keep seeing on Facebook is freaky, isn’t it?

7. Don’t join a gym

In case you needed permission not to.

8. Don’t ever eat salmon if something about it tells you it’s funky

Goes for all food, but especially salmon. Warning signs: slime, tastes terrible, smells of diapers, glows neon and has floating exclamation points all around it.

9. If it ever crosses your mind that you might need a new bath mat, buy one

Old bath mats are where the souls of unbaptised babies live. 

10. If someone asks you if you’d like to be in a documentary about addiction, decline

Candy Finnigan thinks you love Arnold Palmers more than your family and friends, who love you like crazy; she might be right, but you don’t want to hear their bottom lines. The police are on speed dial. The doors are locked. And you’re so thirsty…so…thirsty.