Monday, September 3rd

Today I woke up early and it was bright and sunny out. Great, I thought, another beautiful day I’ll miss while at my horrible job. I got into my car and my favorite song was playing, but I’d missed the first thirty seconds. Just my luck, I complained to myself, now the whole song is ruined because I’ll just be thinking of those first thirty seconds and how great they probably were. OF COURSE. AGAIN. I got to work and my boss said “Hey David, great to see you today.” Total insincere jerk. Just like the rest of them. Does anybody read this stuff? I guess I’ll go make myself some porridge and pass out in front of the television. Sigh.

Tuesday, September 4th

I was born with a short attention span. I think this is the reason I have trouble making friends. I don’t like to listen to their stupid, pointless stories because my mind wanders. It’s not because I’m a narcissist, it’s a social disability. Hello? Why isn’t anybody liking these things yet?

Wednesday, September 5th

I love my dog so much. She’s one, but next year she’ll be two, and then in fifteen years she’ll be sixteen, and sometime after that she might die. I can’t look at her without resenting her for her stupid dog mortality. I’d happily sacrifice my own pointless life for hers, but nobody is giving me the option. I microwaved something today and it didn’t taste very good. I haven’t cleaned inside my ears in five days and nobody is offering to do it for me. What’s the point? Why don’t I have more followers on here? I guess it’s because everyone is prejudiced against people with social disabilities like mine. Ask me something in my ask box, for God’s sake. See if I care. Hello? Stupid assholes.

Thursday, September 6th

Why is the world such a rotten round thing of depression and suicide? I’m trying to watch “Homeland.” I don’t get it. Everybody gets everything but me. I have never laughed. I smiled once, but it was like this.

Friday, September 7th

Four followers. And all of them European. Why do I bother?

Saturday, September 8th

I quit blogging. Officially. Starting now. It’s for the narrow-minded.

Sunday, September 9th

My least favorite kind of person is everyone. Even Libertarians. And folks who remove their shoes. Especially women. Don’t ever take your shoes off, ladies, it’s foul.I chopped off my feet long ago. It really hurt. HOW DO YOU GET FOLLOWERS ON THIS THING?

Monday, September 10th

nefarious asked: How come you so grumpy?

I suppose you don’t suffer from a short attention span. I suppose everything in life comes easy to you. When I was young, I had the flu so bad that I coughed for fourteen days straight and had to miss a midterm. When I came back to class, one of my peers saw my nose run before I got a tissue and, though he didn’t say anything about it, we exchanged knowing glances for the next six months that were very traumatic for me to endure. The following year, he died. I envy him. He didn’t have to live knowing that everyone had seen his nose leaking. I would go into therapy about it, but I can’t afford therapy because I have to buy expensive coffee to help medicate my attention span. So thanks for your cruel question, nefarious. I suppose life is all peaches, cream and orgasms for you. You’ll probably stop following me now. Everybody else has. SIGH. It’s REALLY frustrating to be writing these things for people to enjoy and everybody is too ignorant to freaking enjoy them!! I HATE THAT!

Tuesday, September 11th

I can’t believe it’s September 11th again. I don’t know what depresses me more, terrorists or my lack of followers on here. Imagine how hard September 11th was for somebody born with a short attention span, and THEN try to complain about your own INSIGNIFICANT problems. Sorry, buddy. Head to the back of the line. I’ll be up here at the front, standing on my LEG STUBS and trying to FOCUS ON ONE THING FOR MORE THAN A SECOND. God, I wish it were tomorrow. Please let it be tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 12th

September 12th is the worst day ever, because it reminds me of the day after September 11th.

Thursday, September 13th

Today is Molly Lambert’s birthday. How do I get her to follow me on here? She’s just another “too popular” blogger with a “trust fund of friends.” Well, listen to this, Molly Lambert: enjoy having feet and no social disabilities. Why don’t you go ahead and use an ottoman and think about that for a minute or five? I can’t do either of those things. Well, I should probably go. I’m going to go in a second. And sign off forever. And probably disappear. If I’m lucky. Goodbye forever.

Friday, September 14th

Friday. As you can imagine, my calendar is booked up for the weekend with drudgery. Somebody asked me to have a beer with them, a “real friend” probably flaked. I would never flake on somebody, but I’m always playing second fiddle to the star violinists of the world. Among all the ukuleles and Casios and snare drums, I’m just the second fiddler on the composite roof, always sliding off because I can’t wear grippy shoes. I’m not going to get a beer with this person, obviously. I have better things to do, like stay at home and think about all of the things I hate. Does anybody read these? Probably not.