Q. I have been married for fourteen years, and recently I’ve been having second thoughts about my relationship. My wife is a wonderful woman, but the spark just isn’t there anymore. I don’t feel miserable, but I’m not satisfied to just be “content” for the rest of my life. Should I stay for the sake of the kids and to honor the time we’ve spent together? Could it be just a phase?
A. Are you neutered? Consider getting neutered. Then you’ll be satisfied to be content, and you won’t have the urge to spray. I know what you’re thinking: “I don’t want to be neutered; the procedure is painful and it will make me feel like less of a man.” Don’t define your manhood that way. Real men get neutered. That’s how I see it, anyway.
Q.My two-year old is so unruly that I don’t know what to do. I’m at my wits’ end. I am pregnant with our second child and I can’t handle the biting, hitting, screaming and constant disobeying of my commands. He’s a terrific kid most of the time, but the tantrums have gotten out of control. What will I do when the new baby arrives? I’ve tried everything (time outs, the happiest baby on the block, attachment parenting, etc) but nothing seems to work. Help!
A.Next time your child is misbehaving, just take him in your teeth by the scruff of his neck and carry him into your den. Sit on him until he stops crying and submits to being bitten softly all over his face. Kill a small rodent and offer it to him. If he doesn’t take it, eat it yourself and go “Mmm, mmm, mmm” until he is jealous and cries out. Then walk away for a long time.
Q.I have a dandruff problem that makes me very self-conscious. I can’t wear black and now have had trouble being intimate with my partner because I rain dead skin on him during our epic lovemaking sessions.I just want to hide away.
A. I can groom you. My breath smells like an old salmon crawled into a jacuzzi of aspic and died. It smelled neutral for a while, but I fixed it and now it smells awesome. Give me your head. Let me cure that for you.
Q.Lately I’ve become concerned that I have an internet addiction.Even after I walk away from the computer, I feel like I can’t “disconnect.” Nothing seems fun anymore, I live in a haze of emptiness and insatiability. I feel like I always need to be doing work, but the “work” I’m doing online is really just clicking and clicking and clicking, never really accomplishing anything. My social life is suffering. Any tips to get me back into the real world?
A. Sure. Put a tinfoil tent over your computer screen, or maybe try attaching a mylar balloon to your keyboard. Then go eat some freeze-dried anchovies for a while so you forget that you put dem tings on there. When you go back into the room, you’ll be so scared you’ll be cowering in your litter box for hours — WHAT. THE HELL. IS THAT. WHO IS THAT CAT LOOKING BACK AT ME ALL WRINKLY AND DISTORTED? WHAT IS THAT THING FLOATING THERE MENACING ME? — and when you finally emerge and try to go back to the computer, well, you’ll just get freaked all over again. Unfortunately, as soon as you remove these deterrents, you’ll be back at square one. So you’re really looking at life with a computer covered in tinfoil and balloons, a computer that will make your guests think you’re throwing a birthday party for aliens. In that case, start using the library and learn to live as a paranoid, scared being in a state of constant unrest. Like a cat! Ahh! What’s over there!? Oh, sorry, it was just a bug. Ahh! What’s that!? Oh, okay, it’s the sofa.
Q. How do I get my husband to be more interested in me sexually?
A. Make sure you’re in heat. Then put your butt directly in his face.