Wipe Your Feet

Tess Lynch is a writer and a gentlewoman. You can read her essays at Grantland and GOOD magazine. Previously, her work has appeared on The Morning News, Salon, Granta online, n+1, This Recording, The Awl and The Hairpin.

Tess dot Lynch at Gmail dot com.

The Vicarious Heartache of Teen Star Breakupsat NYMag's The Cut

Internet Identity Crisis at The Morning News

No Actor Parking at n+1

Your Underwear I Swear Is Cuter Than Mine at This Recording

Silly Questions for Smart People

OTHER VENTURES, OTHER GAINS

Coming & Crying, a book with something wot I wrote inside

Tessipes, my recipe blog.

I pitched you some musicals at The Awl, don't you remember?

Wipe Your Feet by Tess Lynch is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.

Take a Dump on This Skirt in Harvest Gold

Oh, ModCloth.

You were thinking the other day - if everyone loves a cute critter, and you want to look cute, then why don’t you dress in animal-inspired wear, too? Genius! […With] an extra-stylish touch to the papillon pup that appears on the front of this pullover, and with a face like that to pair with your own precious smile, you’re just too adorbs for words!

* [one barf]

As a gal who hails from a landlocked locale, you’re overjoyed to finally fulfill your dream of getting to dine by the shoreline. Layer for the occasion, slipping the azure side panels and urchin-green front of these high-waisted panties under the fitted body of a scuba-inspired dress! You’ll feel fit for a fancy fish entrée while dressed to impress with this black-trim pair and its matching bra beneath your look. As you gaze out at the sparkling reflection of the sunset on the sea, you won’t regret pulling your most posh thigh-highs up to attach to this pair’s removable garter clips for the achievement of such a marvelous goal!

*** [extra barf for urchin panties]

The Sass Menagerie Coat

Your fierce sense of fashion simply cannot be tamed, as demonstrated by this undeniably fabulous coat! Flaunting a wowing print of exotic flora and in-flight birds across a leopard-print background, along with a simple swing shape and detachable faux-fur collar, this delightfully outrageous piece of outwear shows that you’re not afraid to answer the call of the wild. Secure the concealed snaps of this pocketed piece over a sequin-embellished tank worn with distressed skinnies and studded ankle boots, for a look that dares to be be wonderfully different.

** [two barfs]

Chill Sesh Jacket

Fasten the neckline button of this pocketed layer over the long sleeves of a black tee and the fashionable distressing of noir skinnies, and you’ll be so visibly happy, you’ll make others jealous of the great relationship you have with the outdoor air!

* [one barf]

Cry-Ceratops Tee

You’d cry, too, if extinction happened to you and all your paleo pals! But don’t worry - wearing this slim-fitting, cozy, canary yellow tee, with its cute and wryly comical print of a sad cartoon ‘saurus lamenting, “All my friends are dead,” will do nothing but put a smile on your face, as well as on the faces of those around you who still have a pulse. Pair one of these short sleeve T-shirts with denim jeans, then finish the outfit with platform clogs for a look that will be the most ‘dino-mite’ thing to hit the ‘plio-scene’!

*********************** [one thousand barfs]

Who Wants to Be a Frillionaire Dress

After becoming wealthy at a young age via a game show victory, you’re able to enjoy the finer things in life. Fancy sports cars and yachts aren’t your thing, though. You find ‘fulfrillment’ in fashion! Your passion manifests itself in gorgeous garments such as this ravishing, ruffled frock - a luxe look coming to ModCloth this holiday. With its riveting sheen, optional straps, and included sash, this platinum-silver dress is one of your most cherished pieces. You delight in this frock’s fabulous fit, courtesy of a shirred back, padded bust, hidden side zip, pintucked waist, and elongating black-edged, vertical ruffles. In this dazzling dress, noir stilettos, and dramatic diamonds, it’s apparent to admirers that you have no shortage of style!

******** [eight barfs]

Posted on October 10, 2012 with 34 notes
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