Tess: Carrie, I’m so glad you made it!
Carrie: Well, I’m not actually here. But of course, you know that! This is your mind we’re in, after all!
Tess: Yes, and because it’s my mind, tonight you’ve made…some delicious looking penne arrabiata!
Tess: I don’t know! Okay, what did you make?
Carrie: Something more interesting?
Tess: Fine. How about an entire duck cured in tea?
Carrie: Well, that’s not really my sty—
Tess: WELL THAT’S WHAT YOU MADE.
Carrie: What did you make?
Tess: Blinis with house-cured salmon and creme fraiche and caviar.
Carrie: Cured…here? In your house?
Tess: I’ve got a smoker out back. [they snicker] So, Timothy should be here soon.
Carrie: Timothy Treadwell??
Tess: Yep. The same.
Carrie: I thought he got eaten by a bear.
Tess: Carrie, what don’t you get? There are no rules here. In fact — [doorbell rings] look at that.
Carrie: You just made the doorbell ring.
Tess: I’m telling you, I can do anything with my mind.
[they open the door. Nobody is there]
Tess: Ugh, this must be a glitch in the matrix. Hang on. Let me concentrate.
Carrie: This is whack.
Tess: Timothy? Are you here? Where are you? Timothy, I summon you! I summon you from the dead! Come to my dinner party. Materialize. Come back from the bear. [they wait] Timothy!!
[Timothy Treadwell hops down from a tree.]
Timothy Treadwell: How dare you! How dare you summon me from the dead!
Carrie: We made you dinner!
Timothy Treadwell: Nobody made dinner for my friends Sassibold and Garmiloques.
Tess: Who are they?
Timothy Treadwell: [mockingly] Who are they. Ignoring them. Horrible!
Carrie: What’s he talking about?
Timothy Treadwell: The squirrels in this tree! Who’s looking after them?
Tess: I could throw them some seeds.
Timothy Treadwell: How dare you mock me! How dare you smear me with your seeds!
Tess: No, no, seriously. Hang on. [retrieves some seeds, throws them at the tree. Little chirps from the tree] See?
Timothy Treadwell: I feel mildly better.
Tess: Will you come in? Sit down? Have a drink?
Timothy Treadwell: I don’t drink. Nature is my wine.
Tess: A drink of Fanta?
Timothy Treadwell: Orange or purple?
Tess: I have some strawberry.
Timothy Treadwell: Oooh. Okay.
[they go inside. Timothy crouches on the sofa, sipping his Fanta.]
Carrie: So, what happened to your girlfriend?
Timothy Treadwell: Who?
Carrie: Your girlfriend? Who was on…that trip with you?
Timothy Treadwell: The bear?
Carrie: No…the human.
Timothy Treadwell: Can’t place her! I remember Spirit, though!
Tess: The fox?
Timothy Treadwell: He wasn’t just a fox.
Carrie: Was he a fantastic Mr. Fox?
Tess: Well, time for dinner!
Tess: Weird. I don’t think I invited anyone else.
Timothy Treadwell: Sassibold! Garmiloques!
Tess: The squirrels can’t come in the house. I have cats.
Timothy Treadwell: CATS???!
Tess: Yeah, and Sadie. Hang on, though, getting the door.
Timothy Treadwell: Carrie? Take me to the animals. Take. Me. To. Them.
Carrie: Please don’t agitate them.
[Tess goes to the door. She opens it. It is Jeffrey Steingarten.]
Jeffrey Steingarten: [huffing and puffing] That’s quite a hill you have there.
Tess: Did I…invite you? Not to be rude.
Jeffrey Steingarten: Well, that is a little rude. You live very far east.
Tess: Thank you.
Jeffrey Steingarten: [comes right into the house] So, what kind of cuisine will I be served tonight?
Tess: Well. That’s the thing. I actually never want to serve you food I’ve cooked.
Jeffrey Steingarten: Were you raised in a barn? Have I done something to offend you, or have you the manner of some wild turkey?
Tess: Look, I don’t want to offend you. Really. It’s just that you’re a really harsh critic and sometimes you…don’t hold back.
Jeffrey Steingarten: But I eat everything.
Tess: But you manage to enjoy very little of it. And, you know, my friend Carrie is here…I have an internet-cooking reputation to maintain…I kind of don’t know if I want to give you a chance to tear apart my house-cured salmon…
Jeffrey Steingarten: In this house?
Tess: Out back. In the smoker.
Jeffrey Steingarten: Why are you smiling?
Tess: No, nothing.
Jeffrey Steingarten: What else? Bacon?
Tess: No…a duck cured in tea.
Jeffrey Steingarten: Well, that’s quite ambitious.
Tess: Carrie did it. But you know, don’t tear her apart either. Also, Timothy Treadwell is here.
Jeffrey Steingarten: Who?
Tess: It’s hard to explain. Come on in. Want some Fanta?
Jeffrey Steingarten: I loathe Fanta. Except the strawberry flavor.
Tess: It’s the strawberry.
Jeffrey Steingarten: I am enthused.
[they enter the house. Carrie is guarding Sadie from Timothy Treadwell, who is offering her treats from a tiny leather sack around his neck]
Carrie: Thank God you’re back.
Timothy Treadwell: Come here, Sympatico. That’s right! That’s right! You’re a wolf!
Jeffrey Steingarten: It’s not a wolf. It’s a dog. Who are you?
Timothy Treadwell: I’m an explorer and conservationist!
Tess: He died, but he’s back. For dinner.
Jeffrey Steingarten: How did he die?
Carrie: Eaten by a bear while filming a documentary.
Jeffrey Steingarten: That’s funny. I’ve eaten bear.
Tess: Shh! The bear ate him!
Timothy Treadwell: You hurt — a bear?
Jeffrey Steingarten: Somebody else did. I just ate the thing.
Carrie: Tess, can I talk to you for a second?
[Tess goes into a corner with Carrie]
Carrie [con’t]: Basically, I’m kind of afraid of Jeffrey Steingarten. You know? I’ve seen him judge on Iron Chef. He’s super-harsh.
Tess: Sheesh. I feel the same way. I tried to get him to go.
Carrie: Does he know what we’re having? [beat] Oh my God. I’M MAKING DUCK CURED IN TEA!
Tess: I have to make him leave.
Carrie: [frantic] Did you really smoke the salmon? Did you smoke it here? Can we offer him some salmon and say, now go? There is no duck?
Tess: Carrie…I’m kind of embarrassed…but I smoked that salmon in weed.
Carrie: Shut. Up.
Tess: No, I really did. It’s going to taste like weed and make everybody so high. Jeffrey is going to hate the salmon, and then Timothy will re-live being eaten by the bear because that’s what happens when he’s high. [beat] I JUST WASN’T THINKING!
Carrie: We’ve got to figure some way out of this!
Tess: I need to think.
Carrie: Oh my God, look. LOOK!
[they turn around. Jeffrey is smacking his lips, alone.]
Tess: Jeffrey. Where’d Timothy go?
Jeffrey: I never thought you’d present me with such a filling and exciting meal!
Carrie: What have you done? Where’s Timothy?
Tess: Jeffrey, where’s the dog? JEFFREY, WHERE IS THE DOG?
Jeffrey: I tried to catch her, but she was too quick.
Carrie: You ate Timothy??
Jeffrey: I am the man who eats everything!
[Carrie and Tess scream as Jeffrey flies out the door, belching]
Tess: So, do you want to try the salmon? Just to make ourselves forget?
Carrie: I could take a whirl on that duck tip, too.