Tess: Carrie, I’m so glad you made it!

Carrie: Well, I’m not actually here. But of course, you know that! This is your mind we’re in, after all!

Tess: Yes, and because it’s my mind, tonight you’ve made…some delicious looking penne arrabiata!

Carrie: Oh.

Tess: I don’t know! Okay, what did you make?

Carrie: Something more interesting?

Tess: Fine. How about an entire duck cured in tea?

Carrie: Well, that’s not really my sty—

Tess: WELL THAT’S WHAT YOU MADE.

Carrie: What did you make?

Tess: Blinis with house-cured salmon and creme fraiche and caviar.

Carrie: Cured…here? In your house?

Tess: I’ve got a smoker out back. [they snicker] So, Timothy should be here soon.

Carrie: Timothy Treadwell??

Tess: Yep. The same.

Carrie: I thought he got eaten by a bear.

Tess: Carrie, what don’t you get? There are no rules here. In fact — [doorbell rings] look at that.

Carrie: You just made the doorbell ring.

Tess: I’m telling you, I can do anything with my mind.

[they open the door. Nobody is there]

Tess: Ugh, this must be a glitch in the matrix. Hang on. Let me concentrate.

Carrie: This is whack.

Tess: Timothy? Are you here? Where are you? Timothy, I summon you! I summon you from the dead! Come to my dinner party. Materialize. Come back from the bear. [they wait] Timothy!!

[Timothy Treadwell hops down from a tree.]

Timothy Treadwell: How dare you! How dare you summon me from the dead!

Carrie: We made you dinner!

Timothy Treadwell: Nobody made dinner for my friends Sassibold and Garmiloques.

Tess: Who are they?

Timothy Treadwell: [mockingly] Who are they. Ignoring them. Horrible!

Carrie: What’s he talking about?

Timothy Treadwell: The squirrels in this tree! Who’s looking after them?

Tess: I could throw them some seeds.

Timothy Treadwell: How dare you mock me! How dare you smear me with your seeds!

Tess: No, no, seriously. Hang on. [retrieves some seeds, throws them at the tree. Little chirps from the tree] See?

Timothy Treadwell: I feel mildly better.

Tess: Will you come in? Sit down? Have a drink?

Timothy Treadwell: I don’t drink. Nature is my wine.

Tess: A drink of Fanta?

Timothy Treadwell: Orange or purple?

Tess: I have some strawberry.

Timothy Treadwell: Oooh. Okay.

[they go inside. Timothy crouches on the sofa, sipping his Fanta.]

Carrie: So, what happened to your girlfriend?

Timothy Treadwell: Who?

Carrie: Your girlfriend? Who was on…that trip with you?

Timothy Treadwell: The bear?

Carrie: No…the human.

Timothy Treadwell: Can’t place her! I remember Spirit, though!

Tess: The fox?

Timothy Treadwell: He wasn’t just a fox.

Carrie: Was he a fantastic Mr. Fox?

[dead silence]

Tess: Well, time for dinner!

[doorbell rings]

Tess: Weird. I don’t think I invited anyone else.

Timothy Treadwell: Sassibold! Garmiloques!

Tess: The squirrels can’t come in the house. I have cats.

Timothy Treadwell: CATS???!

Tess: Yeah, and Sadie. Hang on, though, getting the door.

Timothy Treadwell: Carrie? Take me to the animals. Take. Me. To. Them.

Carrie: Please don’t agitate them.

[Tess goes to the door. She opens it. It is Jeffrey Steingarten.]

Jeffrey Steingarten: [huffing and puffing] That’s quite a hill you have there.

Tess: Did I…invite you? Not to be rude.

Jeffrey Steingarten: Well, that is a little rude. You live very far east.

Tess: Thank you.

Jeffrey Steingarten: [comes right into the house] So, what kind of cuisine will I be served tonight?

Tess: Well. That’s the thing. I actually never want to serve you food I’ve cooked.

Jeffrey Steingarten: Were you raised in a barn? Have I done something to offend you, or have you the manner of some wild turkey?

Tess: Look, I don’t want to offend you. Really. It’s just that you’re a really harsh critic and sometimes you…don’t hold back.

Jeffrey Steingarten: But I eat everything.

Tess: But you manage to enjoy very little of it. And, you know, my friend Carrie is here…I have an internet-cooking reputation to maintain…I kind of don’t know if I want to give you a chance to tear apart my house-cured salmon…

Jeffrey Steingarten: In this house?

Tess: Out back. In the smoker.

Jeffrey Steingarten: Why are you smiling?

Tess: No, nothing.

Jeffrey Steingarten: What else? Bacon?

Tess: No…a duck cured in tea.

Jeffrey Steingarten: Well, that’s quite ambitious.

Tess: Carrie did it. But you know, don’t tear her apart either. Also, Timothy Treadwell is here.

Jeffrey Steingarten: Who?

Tess: It’s hard to explain. Come on in. Want some Fanta?

Jeffrey Steingarten: I loathe Fanta. Except the strawberry flavor.

Tess: It’s the strawberry.

Jeffrey Steingarten: I am enthused.

[they enter the house. Carrie is guarding Sadie from Timothy Treadwell, who is offering her treats from a tiny leather sack around his neck]

Carrie: Thank God you’re back.

Timothy Treadwell: Come here, Sympatico. That’s right! That’s right! You’re a wolf!

Jeffrey Steingarten: It’s not a wolf. It’s a dog. Who are you?

Timothy Treadwell: I’m an explorer and conservationist!

Tess: He died, but he’s back. For dinner.

Jeffrey Steingarten: How did he die?

Carrie: Eaten by a bear while filming a documentary.

Jeffrey Steingarten: That’s funny. I’ve eaten bear.

Tess: Shh! The bear ate him!

Timothy Treadwell: You hurt — a bear?

Jeffrey Steingarten: Somebody else did. I just ate the thing.

Carrie: Tess, can I talk to you for a second?

[Tess goes into a corner with Carrie]

Carrie [con’t]: Basically, I’m kind of afraid of Jeffrey Steingarten. You know? I’ve seen him judge on Iron Chef. He’s super-harsh.

Tess: Sheesh. I feel the same way. I tried to get him to go.

Carrie: Does he know what we’re having? [beat] Oh my God. I’M MAKING DUCK CURED IN TEA!

Tess: I have to make him leave.

Carrie: [frantic] Did you really smoke the salmon? Did you smoke it here? Can we offer him some salmon and say, now go? There is no duck?

Tess: Carrie…I’m kind of embarrassed…but I smoked that salmon in weed.

Carrie: Shut. Up.

Tess: No, I really did. It’s going to taste like weed and make everybody so high. Jeffrey is going to hate the salmon, and then Timothy will re-live being eaten by the bear because that’s what happens when he’s high. [beat] I JUST WASN’T THINKING!

Carrie: We’ve got to figure some way out of this!

Tess: I need to think.

Carrie: Oh my God, look. LOOK!

[they turn around. Jeffrey is smacking his lips, alone.]

Tess: Jeffrey. Where’d Timothy go?

Jeffrey: I never thought you’d present me with such a filling and exciting meal!

Carrie: What have you done? Where’s Timothy?

Tess: Jeffrey, where’s the dog? JEFFREY, WHERE IS THE DOG?

Jeffrey: I tried to catch her, but she was too quick.

Carrie: You ate Timothy??

Jeffrey: I am the man who eats everything!

[Carrie and Tess scream as Jeffrey flies out the door, belching]

Tess: So, do you want to try the salmon? Just to make ourselves forget?

Carrie: I could take a whirl on that duck tip, too.