Tess: So then I muddled the ginger simple syrup with raspberries.
Barbara Walters: Fascinating. So you say you…muddled it?
Tess: Yeah, you know, smoosh it with a spoon…
Barbara Walters: I’ll simply have to muddle more drwinks in the future.
Barbara Walters: Can I tell you something else I just find fascinating?
Tess: Sure, what is it?
Barbara Walters: I recently discovered that “squabs” are the same as “pigeons.” Can you believe I didn’t know that?
Tess: I think I knew that.
Barbara Walters: I bet you did, but isn’t it perplexing that I didn’t? You realize I’m about eighty years old! An octogenarian!
Tess: Whoa, whoa, shut the fuck up, you’re 80?
Barbara Walters: Why yes, I am!
Tess: Hold still while I look at your face. Is that your real face?
Barbara Walters: First you’ll have to muddle me another drwink!
Tess: You’re up and wandering around? Working and wearing incredible coat dresses and — your eyelids. Are those real?
Tess: To be continued.
Barbara Walters: I hope it’s someone fascinating.
[Tess answers the door. It is Andrew W.K. His face is covered in blood.]
Tess: Woooo!! Andrew W.K.! Yeah!! Woooo!
[Andrew W.K. stares at her angrily]
Andrew W.K.: Can I please come in? I’m desperate to wash this blood off my face.
Tess: Sure but — isn’t that, you know, your thing? Don’t you want to keep it on? We could all party! Barbara’s here! I told her how you love to party, and…she was kind of excited to party.
Andrew W.K.: Oh. I see you haven’t heard.
Tess: Haven’t heard what? I mean, there was that rumor that you’re not real…but you refuted that, right? [beat] Right, Andrew? Mr. W.K.?
Andrew W.K.: Nah, it’s true. It was all a charade. I hate to party. I feel like I’m all partied out.
Tess: Partied out?
Andrew W.K.: I don’t mean to be rude, but do you think I can come in? Seriously. I just want to get this stuff off my face and sit down and eat dinner. Have a nice, civilized conversation with Barbara, just…as myself. Not Andrew W.K., but Joshua Lawrence-Weiss.
Tess: Who’s he?
Andrew W.K.: He’s — I’m —
Tess: I get it. But WHO. IS. HE.
Andrew W.K.: Wait, are you actually angry with me?
Tess: Do you know what the point of this dinner party was?
[Barbara Walters materializes behind Tess]
Barbara Walters: Well, who are you?
Tess: This is Andrew W.K.
Andrew W.K.: Actually, I was just explaining this, but I’m Joshua Lawrence-Weiss.
Barbara Walters: Why is there blood all over your face, darling?
Tess: That’s from when he was pretending to be Andrew W.K. I thought he would still be Andrew W.K. when he got here, which is why I invited him. Now he’s just some guy. [to Barbara] I’ve been trying to get him to leave but he won’t take the hint.
Andrew W.K.: Mrs. Walters, I’ve been excited to meet you. I’ve had the craziest decade. I spent all of it pretending to be the kind of badass who smacks himself in the face with a brick and then rocks out so hard he explodes in a meteor shower of sweat and tangled locks of hair and magic onstage. But that was a lie. I’m just a guy named Joshua who wanted to make a buck, you know?
Barbara Walters: Sure, okay.
Andrew W.K.: And you can’t imagine the kind of strain I’ve been under all this time, you know? I’m a real person. I have a family. I didn’t mean to let everyone down, I just got, you know…tired. I got tired of it all.
Barbara Walters: Look, Mr. Dorvillekay.
Tess: It’s Mr. “double-you kay.”
Andrew W.K.: It’s Mr. Lawrence-Weiss!
Barbara Walters: Larry, I came over hewre after an assurance that there would be a fascinating modern man in attendance, and what I have is just some stwranger on a doowrstep.
Tess: I’m sorry, Andrew. I shouldn’t have invited you. It was terrible timing. [shoves some Band Aids at him while she closes the door] Take some of these, for your face. Goodnight!
Andrew W.K.: Wait!
Barbara Walters: If I call right now, I could get Padma Lakshmi to come over.
Tess: Dial, quick! [shuts door on Andrew W.K.]