The time for these is now:

* An umbrella on a tripod

* A blog chronicling the shocking things found in open houses (i.e., body interred in dining room, decrepit aquarium with tortoises on ledge of bathtub (these are real))

* Makeup for mangled cuticles

* Hermit crabs that eat grout mold

* Microchips for dogs that are GPS trackers, with Tetris feature

* Vomit-resistant cat tree that looks like an Eames chair

* Bossy Bloomberg thwarter that legally insulates people from having to observe nosy laws re: soda size, breastfeeding

* Hex that sends termites from your house to an enemy’s house

* Doorknobs that dispense lotion

* The “legroom optimizer”

* Contacts that make your eyeballs into frowny faces

* “Stay cool” pajamas with gel liners you stick in the freezer

* Voice-activated internet browsing projector for the bathtub

* The dessert-stomach backpack

* Tan-flesh-colored Saran Wrap bodysuits

* Bobby pins with homing devices

* Eyebrow jewelry