Tess is eating dinner alone, in front of the TV, in pajamas. The doorbell rings.
Tess: [to herself] Weird. [opens door to reveal Joseph Gordon-Levitt, slams door immediately] AHHH! Go away! Didn’t you get the email? There’s no fake dinner party tonight!
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Open the door. I’m serving you with court papers, you fool.
[Tess opens the door]
Tess: Court papers?
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Yep. You see, I’m the celebrity ambassador to the internet, and we celebrities have a bit of an issue with your so-called dinner parties.
Tess: I thought Justine Bateman was the celebrity ambassador to the internet! And they’re fake, the conversations are fake!
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: We’re sick of you putting words in our mouths. Making fun. Jesting. All of that bullshit. [hands her a paper] You’ll see the signatures here of everyone whom you’ve violated. Yeah. Violated.
Tess: [looking them over] Willem DaFoe? I figured he’d be on board!
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: No one is on board. In fact, the only celebrities who’ve consented to be featured in your dinner parties are…let’s see…Ronald Reagan and Tabitha Soren.
Tess: But…Ronald Reagan died like five years ago.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Ooh, then that one’s a mistake. But Tabitha Soren’s all yours.
Tess: I don’t understand! It’s satire! Satire’s allowed. I have like six friends in law school, okay, and several more who just passed the bar, and they told me once that as long as I’m making sure that I’m not trying to pass this all off as fact, okay, it doesn’t even have to be funny and it’s still totally fine.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: I, personally, don’t find any of them funny. And as well you may know, I have a pretty decent sense of humor.
Tess: Well, like I said, I’m still not breaking the law.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Listen very closely: we don’t like what you do. There are thousands of us, millions if you count the fictional characters you’ve had over, and one of you. Just one. And nobody will hear your screams.
Tess: Whoa, whoa! I was just having a laugh! It’s the internet! Stop taking it so seriously.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: You have nothing to gain, and everything to lose. Why don’t you think it through? What are you even trying to accomplish? What, a book deal? I’ve got news for you, lady: it’s not been forthcoming. And it won’t be, so long as celebrities can email publishing companies to lobby against your stupidity.
Tess: I never even wanted a book deal out of these! I just wanted to write one for The Awl or something. Jesus, Joe, get real!
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Oh, I’m tremendously real. [turns to leave, then turns back] So you’re saying you didn’t even make dinner. Just called the whole party off.
Tess: That’s right! Hence the pajamas. Look, you’ve made your point. Just go.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: You don’t even have some chips and salsa or something? I came all this way.
Tess: Yeah, you came to my house to serve me a summons.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: And you’re serving me…nothing.
Tess: Say I were to offer you something. Some burrata. A tostada. Maybe a slice of piping-hot pie.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Uh huh. Well, if that were the case, your legal problems might…dissipate.
Tess: They would, would they?
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: I could make a few calls. Tweets. Let them know you mean no harm.
[Tess gestures him inside]
Tess: I’ve got a Viktor Benes chocolate coffee ring.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Excellent.