Bill Murray: I just thought of something.
Mo’Nique: Oh honey HOLD UP.
Mo’Nique: You ain’t skinny, girl, but I don’t trust you anyway.
Mo’Nique: You talk a lot of game, bitch, but I know for a fact you didn’t get yourself out to see Precious.
Tess: Why does this keep coming up? I only saw one movie in the theaters in 2009. I don’t feel particularly good about that, especially when I keep having performers over for dinner, but what can I do? My income was like zero until a few months ago and —
Bill Murray: So nobody wants to hear my thoughts. Somehow this is unsurprising.
Mo’Nique: Honey, you seem so depressed. It’s that monotone. And the eyelids. [to Tess] And isn’t he boney? [to Bill Murray] Sugar, you boney. Eat something.
Bill Murray: I’m not boney and I’m not depressed. I keep my enthusiasm on a tight leash so that one day I can surprise the world with its sheer force.
Bill Murray: Anyway, now that I have your attention: I was staring into the fireplace against that wall and I realized something. Where do you put the fire? You put it in the firePLACE. Fire. Place. Fireplace.
Tess: More Suntory?
Bill Murray & Mo’Nique: Yes please!
[doorbell rings. Tess opens it to reveal Lindsay Lohan]
Tess: Ooh, Lindsay. Not a good time. Mo’Nique is here.
Lindsay Lohan: Please, please, let me in! I just had the worst fight with Samantha and my house is filled with needles and garbage and it smells like fake tanner and I just drank three Monster energy drinks and chased them with Lithium! [beat] PLEASE!
Mo’Nique: I smell a skinny bitch! Tess, you said no skinny bitches!
Tess: Oh jeez, Lindsay, like I said…she really has this thing about skinny bitches — skinny people — look, can’t you just call Jared Leto or something?
Lindsay Lohan: He screens me!
Bill Murray: [creeps in from the dining room] Who have we here.
Lindsay Lohan: Oh my God, it’s James Belushi!
Bill Murray: That’s right.
Mo’Nique: [to Tess] That girl looks bad. What’s she on, Monsters and Lithium?
Tess: Something like that.
Lindsay Lohan: My agent has been calling you! I’m dying to get on “According to Jim!”
Bill Murray: Yes, I think I can work something out.
Mo’Nique: Sugarpie, “According to Jim” is off the —
Bill Murray: SHHHH! You go back to the table. Go back. Go back.
[Mo’Nique harrumphs away]
Lindsay Lohan: Hey, James, do you mind driving me home?
Bill Murray: Not a problem. You live —?
Lindsay Lohan: Oh, just here or there!
Tess: You live “here or there”?
Lindsay Lohan: Just, you know, wherever I can hide out and drink gin out of a Fresca bottle!
Bill Murray: How about I spring for one of those guest houses at the Chateau Marmont. I won’t stay there, I’ll just take you out for karaoke and a bittersweet time and then drop you off with an ambiguously platonic kiss on the top of your head.
Lindsay Lohan: That reminds me of a scene from —
Bill Murray: No. No it doesn’t. Because I just made that up, so whatever you were going to say, that’s impossible. Better hit the road. [to Tess] Sayonara.
Tess: Sayonara. [heads back to table, where Mo’Nique is picking at her pie] I guess it’s just you and me, Mo’Nique.
Mo’Nique: Tess, God damn it, he can handle his shit, can’t he?
Tess: Pretty much.
Mo’Nique: And that shit about the fireplace? That’s some smart shit.
Tess: I both agree and disagree with that. More Suntory?