[doorbell sounds]

Tess: [opens door] Hello? Hello? [closes door]

[doorbell sounds again, immediately]

Tess: Weird. [opens door] Hello?

David Bowie’s voice: Hello! It’s David!

Tess: Are you on the roof?

David Bowie’s voice: Girl, I’m standing right before you.

Tess: Ha-ha.

[beat]

David Bowie’s voice: No, really. It’s a mystical illusion.

Tess: Well, would you like to come inside?

David Bowie’s voice: If you turn around, you’ll see I’m already inside.

[Tess turns around as David Bowie leaps down from the ceiling]

Tess: Ahhh!

Chef Gordon Ramsay: Hey, madam, quit your shrieking, yeah?

David Bowie: Ramsay, ease up. She’s just…a little…girl.

Chef Gordon Ramsay: She’s a mule. Ah, bugger off, the two of you!

Dr. Phil McGraw: Hey now! Why’re we all yellin in the hallway?

Tess: I’d like to get us all to sit down, if I could. [to David] That was a cool trick, but Chef Ramsay is easily set off by things. By everything. It’s best to try to keep things…calm. Controlled.

Dr. Phil McGraw: Now, if you listen to what she’s saying, and correct me if I’m wrong: she wants control of the situation.

Chef Gordon Ramsay: Psychobabble! His views are f****** dismal! Every guest on his show — some donkey!

Dr. Phil McGraw: Mister, I sense a hostility from you that I do not abide by, I’m serious. Check out Robin over there at the table. Are you lonesome, sweetheart?

[Robin waves from the dining room]

David Bowie: I apologize if my little feat of magic was too dazzling for our easily aroused compatriots. Let’s drink to heathenism, sequins, and the cosmic orgy of the universe! [produces steaming goblets]

Chef Gordon Ramsay: [sips from goblet] Oh dear oh dear oh dear. [spits into a cocktail napkin] This steaming glahss of over-hyped stodge tastes like a tempura-fried skunk tail from the waste-bin.

Dr. Phil McGraw: [to David Bowie] Hey pal, it’s my impression that you’re just throwin’ that stuff down your throat! Now I’m givin’ you my professional opinion that that sorta drinking is problematic. Everybody likes a cocktail in a goblet at a BBQ now n’ then, or a scorpion bowl at a season three wrap party, or a pony keg at a cousin’s wedding, but the way you’re goin’ at it it’s like you’re in the frat house and all the sigma chis are fist-poundin’ and hell-raisin’, and the girls in the back are cheerin’, goin’, “Hey Slugger, slug it on down,” and so you’re doin’ it and they’re throwin’ panties — the girls, just the girls are throwin’ ‘em — sorry Robin but they are — and then SMACK! You’re out, and then you come to and you look around and you’re in the hospital and you know why?

Chef Gordon Ramsay: [pinching the bridge of his nose] Why’s that, then?

Dr. Phil McGraw: Because you poisoned your own liver, dummy.

David Bowie: Poison? My own liver? Doctor, I’ve never heard of that before in my life.

Dr. Phil McGraw: Sure thing, buddy, I’m a medical doctor and I’m tellin’ you I see it every single day.

Robin: [from the dining room] It’s true! Can I say something?

Chef Gordon Ramsay: Hey listen, you two. You! [to David Bowie] No one’s going to buy those stinking goblet drinks unless you [raises a finger] use fresh, yeah, local ingredients; [raises another finger] clean up this slop, yeah, fingerprints on the glahsses, disgusting; and three: seasoning. And you! [long beat; then, to Phil McGraw] Rubbish.

Dr. Phil McGraw: Oh, he says it’s rubbish! Well, there, mister, I’m not going to waste my time helping you. You can go back to your poisoned liver and your nasty attitude.

David Bowie: Both of you, beware. I have been generous up until now. But I can be cruel.

Tess: Generous? What have you done that’s generous?

David Bowie: Everything! Everything that you wanted I have done.

Dr. Phil McGraw: Is he goin’ off in a Spaceman direction? Man, I know a guy who dropped acid to that album all the time. Not me. A friend of a friend.

David Bowie: [circling them] You asked that I come to dinner, and I came to dinner. I have re-ordered time, I have turned the world upside-down and I have done it all for you! I have exhausted myself for this dinner!

Tess: We haven’t even sat down to it though. And you were super-late. And believe it or not, those two were getting along fine until you showed up.

Dr. Phil McGraw: I just don’t like the disrespect I get from Chef Ramsay. The attitude.

Chef Gordon Ramsay: All right. Yeah. Listen: how would you like to be spoken to, then.

Dr. Phil McGraw: Just drop the insults, take a deep breath, and take a darn hard look into your soul before you start callin’ people a mule! It’s simple! Just don’t do it!

Chef Gordon Ramsay: Aw, f*** me. F*** me!

Tess: Gordon, Gordon seriously. That’s just the way he is.

Robin: [from the dining room] I’ve been trying to say, he has your cookbook!

Dr. Phil McGraw: Robin, hey, lady, I didn’t ask your opinion! Shut it for a second!

Robin: Chef Ramsay, he’s your biggest fan! I heard him say that if he could do for people what you do for the restaurants in “Kitchen Nightmares” —

Dr. Phil McGraw: [turns red] Robin!

Robin: He said you were a real man, Chef Ramsay.

David Bowie: A real man. How dreary. How dull.

Chef Gordon Ramsay: You said that, did you.

Dr. Phil McGraw: Maybe.

Chef Gordon Ramsay: What, because I yell.

Dr. Phil McGraw: I think it gets through to some of ‘em, the tough love, sure.

David Bowie: It’s just generally obnoxious.

Tess: I agree, actually.

David Bowie: Then why did you invite him to your dinner party, Tess?

Tess: Oh, he makes really great pappardelle.

David Bowie: Then I propose we eat it, and then I’ll paint our bodies with glitter and we can roll about on the shag carpet, dreaming of Mars.

[Tess and David Bowie depart to sit in the dining room. Dr. Phil McGraw sets up two chairs in the entryway, facing each other, props a little flip cam up on a coffee table, focusing it on the chairs, and presses “record.”]

Dr. Phil McGraw: [sits down; then, to Chef Gordon Ramsay] Have a seat over here, old buddy, and tell me all about where that anger comes from.