David Lynch: To me, as I’ve said, a meatloaf is like a submarine.

Tess: …right…

David Lynch: Whereas you think of a boat as something that floats, it can just as easily be something that does the opposite.

Tess: …and so, with meatloaf…?

David Lynch: Exactly. Meat is one thing. A loaf is another thing. But they can both be the same thing, if you try.

Tess: Do you like it? It looks like you haven’t tried it yet. It’s good meatloaf!

[silence]

Tess: Okay…so, Willem? Are you catching this? The submarine analogy?

Willem Dafoe: Yes, and you know, I get that. Completely. A few months ago I got together with my theater troupe, and do you know what we did?

David Lynch: Ahhh!

Willem Dafoe: What is it?

David Lynch: I’m sorry. Something about you.

Willem Dafoe: Something about me what? What did I do?

David Lynch: I’m not sure.

[From the other room, a midget wearing a tuxedo enters. The hallway he walks down seems very long, suddenly. From a hidden speaker somewhere, a haunting melody plays. The midget is carrying a sterling dish with candies inside.]

Midget: [holds dish up to David Lynch, who takes a candy]

David Lynch: [to midget] Thank you, Miguel. [to Willem Dafoe] I had a spell. I’m sorry. Go on.

[Midget exits]

Willem Dafoe: Anyway, like I was saying, our troupe was putting together an experimental riff on That Worthless Fellow Platonov. Incredible. It inspires me daily, the process. At one point, I beat a guinea pig to death onstage. The matinee crowd? We have to have a stretcher around to carry them away if they faint, or die.

Tess: Surely that isn’t in the original? The Chekov version?

Willem Dafoe: Of course not. The original is as dry as a piece of Swedish flatbread dipped in sawdust, cured in chalk, and set out to bake in the Arizona sunshine at midday in August.

David Lynch: Ahhh! Miguel!

Tess: David, is something wrong?

David Lynch: [points at Willem Dafoe] His face! It’s terrifying. And I also love it. But mostly, it’s terrifying.

Tess: David, did you recently see Antichrist?

David Lynch: [stares at plate of meatloaf]

Tess: Oh. I see. I asked you not to watch that before dinner, didn’t I? David, didn’t I?

David Lynch: …Miguel?

Tess: David. David. Didn’t I say that would be a bad idea? Because of…the scene? And…the meatloaf?

Willem Dafoe: [reconsiders his meatloaf] Hey, David, can I get one of those candies?

Tess: Well, great. Thanks, David. Thank you. You know, I warned you. And now you’ve ruined dinner for yourself —

David Lynch: Ruining dinner is like submerging yourself in the bathtub —

Tess: — and for Willem —

David Lynch: I’m sorry, but really, you have to understand, Antichrist — it seemed it would be right up my alley, and —

Tess: But the mutilation scene! And the meatloaf! I mean, come on!

Willem Dafoe: [in the direction of the kitchen] Hey, buddy? What, uh, hey, Miguel?

[The midget re-enters with the candy dish]

David Lynch: You can come out, Kyle.

[The midget’s face blurs. Willem Dafoe lets out a cry. There is a puff of smoke, and six seconds of a Roy Oribson song. When the smoke clears, the midget has been replaced by Kyle Maclachlan]

Kyle Maclachlan: I thought I’d come by for dessert. I heard the pie here is phenomenal. I’m going to tell you a secret —

David Lynch: — every day, give yourself a present. Two cups of hot, good, black coffee. [he and Kyle laugh]

Tess: [to Willem] Is that from Twin Peaks?

Willem Dafoe: Oh, in my theater troupe, we did this great riff on Twin Peaks where —

Tess: Ooh, actually, you know, it’s getting late.

Willem Dafoe: …I understand. [he exits]

Tess: Actually, can you guys go now? Because when it’s just the two of you, I worry things are going to go all Fire Walk With Me.

[David Lynch and Kyle Maclachlan exit to eery music, which plays until their cars dematerialize at the stop sign down the road]