Tess: Chris, thanks so much for coming over. I know last time we all had dinner things got a little…awkward.
Christopher Walken: AWKWARD! Sure.
Tess: It was so great of you to bring — what is this, a farfel? I haven’t asked Natalie back.
Christopher Walken: What you’re asking, about, the dish that I…brought? That’s cat’s SAND!
Tess: You brought cat litter to the potluck?
[Tyler Perry arrives holding a giant casserole pan.]
Tyler Perry: Well hello! I’m Tyler Perry, and I am so thrilled to present this casserole.
Christopher Walken: Mr. Perry, I can’t believe, you put in the EFFORT, you actually made…a CASSEROLE? Sure, one of those — in a dish.
Tess: Chris brought us some cat litter. I’m still not sure why.
Christopher Walken: Hey, Tyler, wowwww, of course, a real dish, you brought it!
Tyler Perry: Nobody’s talking about the serving platter.
Tess: It’s a very nice one. Is it, what, porcelain…?
Tyler Perry: The color of it. The color, particularly.
Christopher Walken: Aooo. It’s PURPLE, the color of it, why not?
Tess [to Christopher Walken]: Don’t indulge him. Once he gets started on The Color Purple, it’s all over. [to Tyler Perry]: How’s Oprah? Did you send her my invitation? Is she coming? To the potluck?
Tyler Perry: Nah, O’s pretty busy, but she did want me to say that, you know, she wants you to see Precious.
Tess: Of course I’m seeing Precious, Tyler. That shit looks really fucked up. It’s like a Lifetime movie raised to the power of a hundred Lifetime movies, and it’s playing on cable.
Tyler Perry: It’s playing in theaters. Not on cable.
Tess: Obviously, but I meant that, you know, there can be swearing. Whereas on Lifetime, you can’t…swear. Or, you know, they wouldn’t let anybody call that baby “Little Mongo.”
Christopher Walken: My good, lord, that’s horrible? A baby, they name it Mongo, well why — a real name’s better, THOMAS, or Christopher, sure, Walken…
Tess: So Tyler, what’s in the purple casserole dish?
Tyler Perry: Just some of Madea’s Secret Recipe.
Tess: But you, I mean, you’re Madea.
Tyler Perry: No, I’m Tyler Perry.
Tess: But you play Madea. And you wrote all the Madeas. And produced. And directed. I mean, if Madea had a recipe, it’d actually be your recipe.
Christopher Walken: MADEA! She was made? …from your mind.
Tyler Perry [coldly]: Next you’ll be saying you read my diary.
Tess: …Because you wrote Diary of a Mad Black Woman.
Tyler Perry: Yes.
Tess: But you’re not a mad black woman.
Christopher Walken: Whoa!
Tyler Perry: Exactly.
Tess: …except you are. Kind of.
[Tyler Perry sits his casserole down on an end table and exits. Christopher Walken dramatically removes its lid, and shrieks.]