Tess: Chris, thanks so much for coming over. I know last time we all had dinner things got a little…awkward.

Christopher Walken: AWKWARD! Sure.

Tess: It was so great of you to bring — what is this, a farfel?  I haven’t asked Natalie back.

Christopher Walken: What you’re asking, about, the dish that I…brought? That’s cat’s SAND!

Tess: You brought cat litter to the potluck?

[Tyler Perry arrives holding a giant casserole pan.]

Tyler Perry: Well hello! I’m Tyler Perry, and I am so thrilled to present this casserole.

Christopher Walken: Mr. Perry, I can’t believe, you put in the EFFORT, you actually made…a CASSEROLE? Sure, one of those — in a dish.

Tess: Chris brought us some cat litter. I’m still not sure why.

Christopher Walken: Hey, Tyler, wowwww, of course, a real dish, you brought it!

Tyler Perry: Nobody’s talking about the serving platter.

Tess: It’s a very nice one. Is it, what, porcelain…?

Tyler Perry: The color of it. The color, particularly.

Christopher Walken: Aooo. It’s PURPLE, the color of it, why not?

Tess [to Christopher Walken]: Don’t indulge him. Once he gets started on The Color Purple, it’s all over. [to Tyler Perry]: How’s Oprah? Did you send her my invitation? Is she coming? To the potluck?

Tyler Perry: Nah, O’s pretty busy, but she did want me to say that, you know, she wants you to see Precious.

Tess: Of course I’m seeing Precious, Tyler. That shit looks really fucked up. It’s like a Lifetime movie raised to the power of a hundred Lifetime movies, and it’s playing on cable.

Tyler Perry: It’s playing in theaters. Not on cable.

Tess: Obviously, but I meant that, you know, there can be swearing. Whereas on Lifetime, you can’t…swear. Or, you know, they wouldn’t let anybody call that baby “Little Mongo.”

Christopher Walken: My good, lord, that’s horrible? A baby, they name it Mongo, well why — a real name’s better, THOMAS, or Christopher, sure, Walken…

Tess: So Tyler, what’s in the purple casserole dish?

Tyler Perry: Just some of Madea’s Secret Recipe.

Tess: But you, I mean, you’re Madea.

Tyler Perry: No, I’m Tyler Perry.

Tess: But you play Madea. And you wrote all the Madeas. And produced. And directed. I mean, if Madea had a recipe, it’d actually be your recipe.

Christopher Walken: MADEA! She was made? …from your mind.

Tyler Perry [coldly]: Next you’ll be saying you read my diary.

Tess: …Because you wrote Diary of a Mad Black Woman.

Tyler Perry: Yes.

Tess: But you’re not a mad black woman.

Christopher Walken: Whoa!

Tyler Perry: Exactly.

Tess: …except you are. Kind of.

[Tyler Perry sits his casserole down on an end table and exits. Christopher Walken dramatically removes its lid, and shrieks.]