Cassette Tape Time Capsule Discovered Among Spiders in Woman’s Garage
Los Angeles resident Tess Lynch, 151 years old, discovered what scientists are calling “an ancient relic of sorts” while cleaning her garage of giant spiders on Sunday afternoon. “I basically walked into the garage, moved a few suitcases around, threw away an estimated five tons of Forever XXI sun dresses with bleach stains on them, and there it was in the corner,” she says. “I wasn’t sure what those things were inside — they were all rattly, melted, and appeared to have writing on them. I saw some Roman numerals — INXS — and those looked like they were of some special importance to whoever buried them there. Could they have belonged to an Etruscan? That’d be sick.”
Of particular interest to historians is the fact that some of the antiques seem to have been inscribed with messages by modern author Molly Lambert. “Since we know that Molly Lambert is a young lady, we’re left a bit confused,” said Dr. Samson Grainweld of Stanford University. “Either she is capable of time travel, or an entire generation of people just became really old. Look at these things! The three hundredth layer of dust on them is from the Cretaceous. We found spider eggs in the wheely gears that belong to a prehistoric genus of arachnid, the really huge kind that lived in ancient caves.” Lynch claims to have encountered one of these spiders on Sunday, worrying biologists that the giant beasts are preparing for a comeback: “One of them was so big that when I raised a men’s size eleven Nike Pump to smash it, the spider thwarted the blow with one of its millions of eyelashes. It flipped my car over before disappearing down the street in the direction of Von’s, causing a small earthquake and perceptible breeze as it passed.”
Strangest of all, one of the plastic tablets was engraved with a primitive depiction of a spider, dangling between a bear wearing a jester’s bib and some kind of a turtle or something. Could this have been a message of warning, or was the ancient parcel actually a giant spider egg incubator that released its tenants when upset by Lynch’s garage cleaning? “We’ll probably never find out for sure,” responds Dr. Grainweld. “The truth is, this stuff is just too old to make sense of. Even looking at it makes me feel depressed about how old I am, and I’m nowhere near as old as, well, Lynch for instance.”

Cassette Tape Time Capsule Discovered Among Spiders in Woman’s Garage

Los Angeles resident Tess Lynch, 151 years old, discovered what scientists are calling “an ancient relic of sorts” while cleaning her garage of giant spiders on Sunday afternoon. “I basically walked into the garage, moved a few suitcases around, threw away an estimated five tons of Forever XXI sun dresses with bleach stains on them, and there it was in the corner,” she says. “I wasn’t sure what those things were inside — they were all rattly, melted, and appeared to have writing on them. I saw some Roman numerals — INXS — and those looked like they were of some special importance to whoever buried them there. Could they have belonged to an Etruscan? That’d be sick.”

Of particular interest to historians is the fact that some of the antiques seem to have been inscribed with messages by modern author Molly Lambert. “Since we know that Molly Lambert is a young lady, we’re left a bit confused,” said Dr. Samson Grainweld of Stanford University. “Either she is capable of time travel, or an entire generation of people just became really old. Look at these things! The three hundredth layer of dust on them is from the Cretaceous. We found spider eggs in the wheely gears that belong to a prehistoric genus of arachnid, the really huge kind that lived in ancient caves.” Lynch claims to have encountered one of these spiders on Sunday, worrying biologists that the giant beasts are preparing for a comeback: “One of them was so big that when I raised a men’s size eleven Nike Pump to smash it, the spider thwarted the blow with one of its millions of eyelashes. It flipped my car over before disappearing down the street in the direction of Von’s, causing a small earthquake and perceptible breeze as it passed.”

Strangest of all, one of the plastic tablets was engraved with a primitive depiction of a spider, dangling between a bear wearing a jester’s bib and some kind of a turtle or something. Could this have been a message of warning, or was the ancient parcel actually a giant spider egg incubator that released its tenants when upset by Lynch’s garage cleaning? “We’ll probably never find out for sure,” responds Dr. Grainweld. “The truth is, this stuff is just too old to make sense of. Even looking at it makes me feel depressed about how old I am, and I’m nowhere near as old as, well, Lynch for instance.”

  1. becauseiwanttorunaway reblogged this from tesslynch
  2. flavorcountry reblogged this from tesslynch and added:
    Lynch’s business card just has...card. Nothing else. What else
  3. missbobcj reblogged this from tesslynch