June gloom/May gray — a CA weather phenomenon known, says Wikipedia, for bringing on dreary feelings — is upon us.  Historically, a few things come with June gloom:

1. Everybody talks about how depressed they are, over wine or coffee.  One person will be wearing a long-sleeved shirt layered under a sweatshirt layered under a blazer. The other person will be wearing a t-shirt and shorts. Both will feel simultaneously too hot and too cold, and unattractive.

2. Eating is twice as appealing as it was when the weather was sunny. The first few days of June gloom are spent in Fatburger. The following 20+ days are spent worrying about obesity, then cooking brownies, then worrying about obesity, and so on.

3. You cannot pass a store without going in, buying something, and then regretting it later in the day. For instance: I just bought a too-small (but very fetching) blazer, two pairs of flats, and a pair of jeans from Urban Outfitters. I wanted to buy none of these things, but I had to, because of June gloom. On the way home, I passed Koo Koo Roo, which I have hated ever since they went chapter 11 and traded in their formerly super-awesome original chicken sandwich for some monstrosity on wheaty ciabatta. I bought half a chicken and two sweet potatoes. I hate sweet potatoes. Then, finally, I passed CVS. I not only bought four kinds of $3 lipstick, but spent about 15 minutes advising a similarly manic-looking woman (with bulky Gap and Banana Republic bags over her arms) on face creams, which I know nothing about in general.

4. People start transitioning into new phases of life.  Last year, we decided to move during June gloom.  The year before, in 2007, we agreed to go on a cross-country road trip (probably to escape the June gloom). Etc. This might have something to do with the fact that the part of your brain which is perpetually entering into/graduating from school switches on, much like a phantom limb.  Wanting to go up a grade. Forgetting that there are no grades anymore.

5. The only known cure for June gloom malaise is to convince someone you know to adopt a baby animal.  It’s well-documented (see: Harris & Redgrave, “Documenting Inter-Species Relationships In The Nuclear Age Vol. I & II; Carson, Steinman & Lubovic “Puppies And You: A Study In Mood-Elevating Phenomena”).  Baby animals, particularly puppies and kittens, are like kryptonite for weather-induced crappy feelings of inertia, boredom, and despair.  It’s really the only way: you must spend as much of each day until July 1 staring into the glossy button-like eyes of a domestic creature recently sprung from its mother’s womb.